Closer To Something Real
by Lost.In.Nightmares
Summary: Edward is trapped in a mangled mess of emotions left to heal on his own. With only one person on his mind and the pressure and frustration overwhelming him, he begins to walk down a path of self destruction. Full Summary Inside. Rating Will Change.
1. Chapter 1: Each Step

Okay guys, I just dramatically ended my first story, Subjective Chills, and it was really just a blast. But now, I have an itch for another story that has been on my mind for a while. This is actually a Full Metal Alchemist story as you can see. They were actually my first (and still my favorite) pairing of all time. So here we go, Closer To Something Real.

Summary: Edward is trapped in a mangled mess of emotions left to heal on his own. With only one person on his mind and the pressure and frustration overwhelming him, he begins to walk down a path of self destruction. Roy is lost in the young teen's emotions, working to unravel them and get to the core emotion hidden deep inside, but will he make it in time before Edward traps himself behind the darkness? Ed x Roy. Hurt and Comfort. The rating is predicted to change in the near future.

* * *

Chapter 1: Each Step

_Edward_'s P.O.V

I felt myself drag my feet along the halls, walking slowly towards the Colonel's office. I had finally returned from my mission, after destroying about half the city, and I was tired as hell. Honestly, I didn't have it in me to give a shit about the rest of the day, I just needed to drop this report off, and leave.

But it never seems to work out that way.

"Ah, you're back Full Metal," I heard him say. I had just opened the door, and hadn't even had the time to walk through it yet.

"What are your damages this time?"

"Read the damn report, I'm sure it's in there somewhere," I grumbled.

"With your hand writing and lack of concern, I doubt I'll find it,"

"Well fucking boo hoo colonel bastard cry me a river," I snapped.

"Hm, short temper today. Suits you well shrimp."

I could feel his cocky ass smile burn through my skin. It hurt. I would never admit it, but it stung. This time though, I wasn't going to stick around to hear any more of it. Before he make any other snide comments, I opened the door and slammed it behind me. I was really starting to get fed up with the same old bull shit every day. For once, I wish he could just see..

* * *

_Roy_'s P.O.V

A stack of papers fell to the floor as he left the office. I gave a sigh of annoyance and went to pick them up.

_Since when is he so sensitive?_ I thought.

I tried to assess the situation, remembering his expressions, the way he came in, the way he left. It was no different than before, other than the lack of ranting on his height. And yet… Something was different.

_Did I actually hurt his feelings? Nah, that can't be possible… It's not like him to be so… Emotional…_

I shook the thoughts from my head. The whole thing would probably blow over by tomorrow. By then, we would be cussing and laughing at each other again without an issue. I mean, it wasn't that serious right?

"Sir, what happened to Edward?"

"Oh lieutenant, I didn't even see you come in,"

"Edward?" She repeated.

"He was just being his normal terse self, don't worry about it," I shrugged.

"He seemed really hurt after leaving your office sir. He proceeded to run from the building after wards," she said, her expression displaying her concern for the young alchemist.

Ed was a strong kid, having lived through hell more than once, and coming back each time stronger. I doubted a small squabble was really going to affect him. And yet… And yet I still felt guilty.

"He's a teenager, just let him blow off some steam, I'm sure he will be fine by morning,"

"But sir,"

"He's fine Lieutenant," I repeated, trying to imply my sincerity in the statement. But even I was still unsure.

* * *

_Edward_'s P.O.V

I ran from the building, the tension building around me. I couldn't help but feel the need to get as far away from that place as I could. It was too much to bear at once sometimes.

I finally stopped somewhere in central. It looked like a park, but I wasn't sure. It was getting dark fast, and I hadn't been paying attention to where I was going. I found a bench and took a seat on it, burying my head in my hands.

_Why is it that every time I'm around him, my heart beats a little faster, and every thing seems to move a little slower? Why can't I control myself any more? It's like the closer I get to him.. the more it hurts when we move away; the more it hurts when he makes fun of me without intending to; the more it hurts when I can't even describe how I feel… What the hell is going on? I used to be so strong, so sure! I'm Al's older brother for Christ sake, I'm the youngest state alchemist there is. Hell, I managed to battle the sins and demons around me for so long, so why can't I do that now? Why is it that every time I need an answer, I just end up with more questions?_

_ In the end, it's like some type of fucked up cycle. You watch the words you were trying to find fall right off the tip of your tongue, and all is lost in some type of misconception. Each time you figure out the hows, you always end up lost in the whys. A free fall of oblivion, where you watch everything move and make connections and patterns around you.. Only to forget it when you need it the most. The source of insanity at the intersection of truth. In the end, it was never really worth it to figure it out at all. That's where I'm at. In the intersection, trying to figure out if it's worth it to go down either path._

_ I can't help but feel the frustration build up inside of me, turning into bitter angst. I'm wasting my time with all of this thinking… I try to clear my thoughts, to sort them and organize them, but here I am sitting in a pile of indescribable emotion that tugs me every which way. All I want is for things to finally be right.. Is that so much to ask for?_

I finally lift my head from my palms and stare at my surroundings to figure out the day light has vanished, and it looked as though it was about to rain.

I stuffed my hands into my pockets and shuffled down the street, feeling tiny drops accumulate on top of my head until it turned into a full fledged down poor. _Fantastic._

I lifted the red hood over my head and continued walking. I actually really didn't care where I was going, just needed the time to blow off some steam. The more I thought about Roy, and what had happened, the way I had been so weak and stupid, the more I wanted to just fade away. I felt my eyes sting. I was too old for crying. I gave up my rights as a child when I joined the military. That was 7 years ago.

Even after remembering this, I still felt the tears burn at my lids. The one thing I grew to like about rain, was that it could always hide your true emotions behind the thin curtain that it provided.

* * *

_Roy_'s P.O.V

I finally decided to leave the office, having completed a fair amount of paper work to leave Riza satisfied enough to withdraw her gun.

I drove the car slowly, letting the rain drip onto the windshield, letting it calm my nerves. Honestly, I was slightly exhausted, and was looking forward to making it home to take a nap. In the midst of my thought, I wasn't paying attention to where I was driving, having to swerve around a figure that I almost hit. Immediately I got out from the car.

"I'm so sorry," I yelled out to the person, who was now seated on the concrete, visibly shaken.

I walked over to the person, placing a hand on their shoulder.

"Excuse me, but are you alright?"

Silence.

"I'm really sorry, I just wasn't paying attention. I didn't hurt you did I?"

He mumbled something.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"Even if I said that you did, you wouldn't understand," the person sniffled. His voice was familiar.

"Ed?"

"Oh what the hell do you want? Isn't it enough to fuck with my emotions just once for today? Do you really need to push yourself to do it again?"

"Edward, what are you-"

He got up with a start.

"I can't do this every god damn day Roy! If all you're going to do is watch the situation so bluntly, then I want nothing to do with it anymore,"

"Ed I just-"

"Just leave me the hell alone!" He yelled, running off.

"ED WAIT!" I called.

I began to run off after the troubled teen. I don't know what the hell is bothering him so much, but I was going to try my best to figure it out.

"Ed wait I want to talk to you!"

No response. He kept running.

_I don't get it! One day he's ready to jump down my throat and challenge me on everything, and now he's acting as though he can't even trust me anymore. I really don't know what to do with this boy. What is it that I'm doing wrong that's causing him to act out? What isn't he telling me? Why is he hurting?_

Beyond the obvious, I tried to search for the answers, but my mind was more focused on following the teen where ever he went, hoping to prevent him making some stupid choice… I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he did.

I watched him disappear down an alley, and I followed. That's where he stopped. He slowly slid down the wall, cornered and defeated. Silent sobs shook his body. I felt my heart sink.

"Why the hell is it so damn hard!" He yelled, choked up between sobs.

"Why can't there ever be one answer there when I need one? I don't fucking understand," he sobbed again.

"How can I find all the answers I need if they always disappear just when I thought I had it all figured out? What the fuck kind of cruel game is this?"

I watched Ed yell out in frustration, his fist banging hard onto his flesh knee. He was obviously hurt, stressed, confused. I had no idea how to help him now.

"Edward… It's alright. In the end, the answers will come. But if you do too much too soon, you'll miss them. But I promise you, they're there," I said softly. I made my way over to him and slid down the wall, taking a seat beside him. He inched away.

"How the hell would you know?"

"Everyone deals with this frustration Ed. Everyone-"

"BUT NO ONE KNOWS HOW IT FEELS TO BE LEFT WITHOUT ANSWERS WHEN THEY NEED IT TO SAVE THEIR BABY BROTHER'S FUCKING BODY!" He yelled, his voice hoarse.

"No one knows how it feels to fuck up so hard.. To be the reason why they can't taste, feel, smell… Why they have to live their life in a piece of aged tin.. No one knows how it feels to be the only chance left for them to live again, like how it used to be," He whispered, his eyes glazed over with tears. They were fixated on his boots. He refused to move his gaze.

"No one knows that pain Edward. And I know it has to be hard. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to carry on each day. But you do. And you prove to every one else that it's possible. That's why I admire you as an individual Ed," I spoke, letting the rain pool in my hand.

"Pft, like you admire me. You barely even notice me. Ha, all I am to you is some shrimp that can't do a damn thing right. Oh the joy!" He laughed bitterly.

_Is that what he really thought?_

"Oh spare me Colonel. I've had enough of this shit for one day," he said, now getting up.

"Please Ed. Tell me what's wrong. Tell me why you think the way you do," I asked.

"If you really want to know, then contemplate this for a second. Maybe you haven't realized how hard it is to work in a place where your emotions are focused on one person who is too blind to even see a damn thing. Maybe you haven't realized how hard it is to be stuck in one sided love," he said coolly. Without even acknowledging me any further, he took off.

Now I sat there alone in the ally, counting each step that he took until he was out of my sight, until I could no longer here is strained breathing.

_I wish you could let me in Edward._

* * *

Well that's it. I had fun experimenting this time around. I hope you guys will be reading and enjoying. I hope to update my newest project soon as well as my on going Nightmares project. With that, I will leave you to read and review, for it makes me happy.

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	2. Chapter 2:Pushed Closer To The Ledge

A little sad my friends, I see that some of you have skimmed and added to alert listing, but I must know how I'm doing so I don't disappoint you all. Either way, I greatly appreciate all of the support that I have received. Funny thing is, every time I re-read the first chapter I think "Um.. serious Erin? That sounds really artificial and mediocre." I want to try and put some real emotion in it this time, and use some personal experience to fuel it as well. Hope this chapter come out well. Here we go~!

* * *

Chapter 2: Pushed Closer To The Ledge

_Edward_'s P.O.V

_This can't be happening._

I listen to my breathing. Shallow beats of a worn heart, sullen drops of rain trickling on the pavement. Everything mixing in a somber tone. I wanted to fade.

_How could I have been so stupid? So sensitive… So… So translucent? _

_ I don't even know how to face him again.. To walk into that office tomorrow… To expect everything to be okay and over with… It's just not…_

I felt myself stumble in step, the puddles forming around me, binding me to this dreary existence. All that was left to do now was to return home, see Al, and move from that point. Paint on this mask that I've grown so accustomed to, and spackle over the cracks that have been forming.

There was very little light to illuminate the path home, the road of lone darkness making itself more present with each new step. It was where I belonged.

When I finally made it to the small building that I dared to call my "home", I kicked off my boots and closed the door shut behind me. I was so drained. So pathetic. It made me sick.

"Brother is that you?"

"Oh yeah Al, just me," I called to him, placing a smile on my face.

"You had me worried brother. You don't usually stay out so late," he replied, finally walking out into the room.

"Got a little tied up in Central, but it's all worked out now," I lied.

"Your eyes are red brother. Are you feeling well?"

"Never felt better. Don't worry so much, it's probably from the lack of sleep. Just an hour or two and I'll be good as new, you'll see," I chirped, trying my best not to crack. The only thing I hated more than lying was lying to Al.

"You need to take better care of yourself. You'll burn out too soon if you keep over working yourself like this," he said, his voice concerned.

"Ah, don't sweat it Al. Takes a lot more than sleep deprivation to bring me down," _Maybe just a broken heart and years of bullshit would do the trick…_

"If you say so. Just try to get some sleep tonight please," He said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"No prob. Hey, I'm going to go wash up some before I turn it alright?"

"Mhm," he said, walking back into the other room.

I sighed and walked up the stairs, grabbing a shirt and some shorts, walking into the bathroom, and locking the door.

I looked in one of the cabinets for a little black box that I kept. I hadn't needed this box in years. I swore to myself that I'd never open it again. But I felt myself sink to a new low. Slowly, I lifted the lid off of the box to reveal an old blade.

_I'm just as weak as I was then… I thought I could stop, I tried, but it burned at me every day… I deserve to know the pain that Al does every day, but I never will. I deserve to feel the sting and burn of Roy's words. How could he ever love someone as fucked up and twisted as me… Now he's left some where confused and hurt because I decided to be an ass hole. I was the inconsiderate one wasn't I? It's my fault that I feel this pain._

I rolled up my sleeve, looking at the tiny thin lines that were scattered across it. People always thought that they were from fights that I had been in. Thank God I had an excuse.

The blade gleamed in the light as I pressed it to the skin. I held my breath for a moment, but there was no going back.

_You deserve this…_

I slid the blade across, feeling my breath hitch as I dug it deeper. The familiar sting clawed its way up to the surface of my skin, as thick red blood gathered in a thin line, daring to bead out and poor over the edge. I moved to another area and struck again, and again. The blood trickled down my arm and dripped to the floor, forming little splatter marks against the tile. My nostrils were filled with the metallic smell. I craved it.

I looked at the mess on my arm and inwardly cursed at myself again.

_You stupid bastard you didn't have to actually do it. You're better than that, stronger than that.._

_ But wait, I wasn't. I DESERVED this. I needed this. I wasn't any better than the shit seeping into the sewers and collecting at the bottom. I was scum. This was what I needed. This was my realization._

_ These conflicting thoughts, where do they lead me? What side is actually right?_

I got up from the floor and turned on the water, letting the steam fill the room. I picked up a cloth and wiped up the mess on the floor, tossing it into the tub when I was done, and then following suit.

The warm water ran over me, and I slid down the wall of the shower. I was definitely at a new low. But then again, I could really only go down from here…

* * *

_Roy_'s P.O.V

It was a lonely drive back to my home. I walked through the door, slamming it shut, and tossing aside my coat and boots.

_What went wrong tonight? What did he mean one sided love? With me? He couldn't see it either? What the hell am I supposed to do now, he doesn't even want to talk to me…_

I walked up the stairs and grabbed some clothes to change into, walking into the bathroom and running hot water for a shower.

I looked into the mirror, placing a hand against it for a moment.

_What is it that I'm not seeing? How can I help? God, I love him so much, but I don't know what to do… Why can't I help him?_

"WHY DOES HE HAVE TO DO IT ALONE?" I yelled, slamming my fist into the mirror, watching shards fall to the ground, each reflecting blood and tears.

I cursed and removed my hand, shaking my head.

_I want to be there, to help him out… I want to be able to take the pain, the burden. He's only 19… _

_ Right colonel pervert… He's only 19…_

I shook the thoughts from my head. It was late, and thinking about this now was only going to make the matters worse, but it's hard to move on when the only thing on your mind is someone you care for the most.

I stepped into the shower and let the warm water run over me. I was hoping it would melt away all the stress, all the pain. I was hoping maybe it could cure some of this heart ache. Even if it didn't in the end, that was alright, because I know he's out there hurting more than I could even imagine right now.

_Did he even make it home? As upset as he was, he probably would have at least made sure that he checked in with Alphonse. He doesn't like to worry that poor boy._

_ I'll just make sure to check in with them after I get out of here._

_ I'm frustrated. It's direct, clear. It's rather straight forward, redundant, but I'm frustrated, and there is no other way to put it. I want to know why everything was so off balance around me; I wanted to know why I lost all the trust and faith I had placed in me; I wanted to know all the answers that it took to make everything okay again. To make him smile; To make those golden eyes light up again, and show that young healthy spirit, that fire that once burned in them. They reflected hurt now. They were so dull, so dead and lost. What I would do to see them so beautiful and natural again. I wanted my Edo back…_

* * *

_Edward_'s P.O.V

I let the water run through my hair, the pinkish red tint pooling around me as it washed away my sin.

_ I can remember all the nights I spent doing this. The torment I felt the first time,the relief it provided for a little while, until it constricted my thoughts, absorbed me into addiction. This pain, this control, it was all I needed. It drove me insane, shook me to the core, brought me too the edge. It was the thrill of my life. _

_ It was haunting, sick, but it was what I needed. I needed to be punished, to be pushed until fear poured out of me. It was under my skin, confusing me to no points end, whispering all these thoughts to me… There was nothing I could do any more. It was like a contract with the devil inscribed in my own blood against my soul. His penmanship scrawled so neatly that it was impossible to ever forget the beauty of sin._

I scrubbed myself clean, washed thoroughly until the water finally turned cold. I switched the nob, dried up and changed. As refreshing as it all was, there was still the stench emitting from my skin that was so sickly sweet, and that could never be washed away. That was my own damn fault.

I walked into the room I shared with my brother and curled up in my bed. My eyes stung from crying, my heart hurt even more as I rolled over to see his eyes glowing from the corner.

"Brother are you sure you're alright? You seem kind of depressed lately," he asked.

"I'm alright Al, just really tired," I told him weakly. It was true. I was tired.

"If you want to talk, I'm here. You don't have to do every thing for yourself all the time," he trailed off.

"You just let me do all the worrying Al. Watch, one of these days we're gunna get that body of yours' back, then it will be smooth sailing from there on," I smiled.

"I have faith in you. I always have. You seem to be the one doubting yourself all the time though,"

"Eh don't think about that too much, I do what I have to do to get to an answer,"

"But if that means your always tired, always hurt… I don't think that's very fair brother,"

"Well, I got us into this mess, and I'm going to get us out. It will take some blood, sweat, and tears and I'm fully prepared to take that head on every day," I said.

"I know you are… You have to take time to heal… You just do. I know there's something wrong Ed. You always look away from me when your hiding something. Ever since we were kids, you always did that. I just want you to know that it's okay to rely on others, to hurt and be unsure. Every one is human, and even in this suit of armor, I take the time to heal too," he said softly.

I felt tears come to my eyes. _God damn this._

"I really appreciate that Al. I really do. Trust me, you'll be the first one to know when something comes up alright? But for now, we just need to focus on getting all rested up, and collected," I sighed, trying my best to hold back these tears.

"Okay," he said.

I rolled over to one side.

_Even in this suit of armor, I take time to heal too…._

_ That fool. He shouldn't have to be caged in there. Why does he always treat me so well, why does he always stay by my side. After all I've done. After all my emotions and mood swings… How the hell can he be so caring for me? For such shit… I will never understand him, but I will always be grateful._

_ Even with all these thoughts in mind, I only want to be there for him, to give him what he needs, and then fade into this nothing that I've become. I've been pushed so close to the ledge, the temptation to resist the plunge seems too great sometimes._

* * *

_Roy_'s P.O.V

I lay in my own bed now, rolling every which way. There will be no sleep for me tonight, but that's no different from any other night.

_There's no use in trying to think of this any longer. I'm no closer to an answer than I was before, and I just don't have enough pieces yet to put this all together. But this much, I have come to realize. I do have feelings for the young Alchemist. I do want to help him more than I want to breath, and I know without him, I would die. But in turn, I know that he's in a dark place. Somewhere so far, so deep, so masked, that it will be hard to get him out. He's suffocating from the pressure. He's just doing too much alone… I know all of this, so why haven't I helped him yet? Why have I just been watching from the sidelines?_

_ You damn fool. It was because you were scared. How could I have not seen this sooner. I was too scared to man up and help him out. I'm such an ass. I've been watching him get pushed closer to the ledge for all these years. This time, I'm going to catch him before he falls._

* * *

__Alright guys, that's the end of chapter 2. I really felt some of my own emotions pulled out for this one (trust me, sometimes it takes a lot to write these types of stories, even if the emotion is hidden behind metaphors sometimes). Either way, I hope to catch some feed back, but if not, that's alright too. I am going out tomorrow, but I will probably post another chapter before I go to sleep. (Funny thing is, its 5:11 am, I haven't gone to sleep yet, and I only got a few hours today any ways, which turns out to be about 6 in the last two days) I'm very special guys ;) Who says sleep deprivation screws with your mind? (it probably does, but I'm just taking advantage~!)

Alright let me shut up. Review if you can, for it makes me happy~

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	3. Chapter 3: Let Me Go

Oh man guys. I was so busy yesterday, but that's alright, because I am back with a new chapter. By the way, if you are looking for a good movie to watch, I suggest watching Fire Light. I saw that and it made me cry. I tired writing this last night and got a little over 1,000 words in, but I just wasn't feeling the chapter for some reason. I mean I was writing thousands, and then just deleting it all to start over again. Just couldn't find the rhythm. Well, I took it back up tonight, so here we go. I kind of cried through some of it because I was really digging up old emotions. Hope this gives off something to you guys. Please let me shut up and enjoy ^^

* * *

Chapter 3: Let Me Go

_Edward_'s P.O.V

The morning came too soon, before I had the chance to shut my eyes, before I had the time to have dawning nightmares, it came before I could hide in its shadows.

I felt my feet fall to the floor, my body slowly rising without effort. I was numb, and that was nothing new. I could feel the itch on my arms, the sin burning in the resolve of its desire. I could never forgive myself, but in the end, it would do me no good.

The floor boards seemed to melt into a disarray of brown shades, swirling around and messing with my tired mind. I pushed the night from my mind, tried to focus on something else, but the contact was made, the barrier was broken.

_What had I done?_

_I held it inside for so long, I hid all the pain, I rolled with the punches. What happened? When had I become so vulnerable? It was a silly question really. I had seen it all along. The thin cracks in my smiles, the way my eyes burned every time he would say something hurtful, God I was so stupid! How could I expect to live a lie? This wasn't a movie, a fantasy where everything ends happily. This was reality, and my reality is hell. _

_ All the raw emotion was scraped from the bottom of the bucket, thinning out at the top until it was dumped into the mainstream, singing its song, pulling on heart chords, twisting and turning until the pain was too real, until you needed to run away from it. You could never run away from it. It rings in your ears, it infects your mind. It hurt. It HURTS._

I looked up at the window. The sky was set with a color too complex, too perfect, too beautiful to describe. The rays broke through clouds, giving true meaning to a silver lining. It was the type of sun rise that was meant to be shared with someone. I have it to share with my shadow, with the loneliness that is my other half. With the darkness I was allowing myself to become.

I turned away and walked down the stairs, running a hand through my hair and shifting it towards one side. Al was already downstairs, reading something at the table.

"Good Morning brother," he sang. _What the hell was so good about it?_

"Morning Al," I mumbled.

"You didn't sleep last night did you Ed," he asked.

_Damn, he already saw right through me._

"Oh no, I slept for a little while," I lied, turning away from him.

"Ed I-"

"So what are you reading there?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"Just a book on alchemy. I've already read it a few times, but I learn something new that I didn't realize before when I pick it up every so often," he said. He continued to talk, but I wasn't able to focus on his words. I couldn't pick up my heart from where it was, it had sunk so low, I don't even know if its there anymore; if it had just sat there and rotted for so long, that it had just dissipated.

"So, are you going to leave soon?"

"Oh huh?"

"For Central," he asked.

"Oh, yeah sure,"

"Well it's getting late; you should at least change,"

I scratched my arm.

"Alright Al," I said.

I walked back up the stairs, searching for a pair of pants. If everything had been in their place, this wouldn't be so hard. But everything found a comfortable little spot on the floor.

I rummaged through a pile until I finally found some pants and a black shirt that smelled clean.

I quickly changed, buckling my belt and looking into a mirror. The marks were still evident, thin and red, irritated. I shook my head out of shame, grabbing my favoured black jacket and pulling it down as I walked back down the stairs.

"All set brother?"

"Yeah Al," I called.

He nodded and got up.

I grabbed my red coat from the side of the couch where I had tossed it before. It was still damp from the rain. But it didn't bother me.

It wasn't that far of a walk from here to Central, but it felt like years. My heart raced a little faster the closer I got. The constriction in my chest growing painfully tight.

I finally stepped out to the front of the building.

_This is it. _

I sighed and walked through the entrance. Giving my hello's to those who sent them towards me, the painted smile back on my face. It made me sick.

I nodded at Hawkeye before I went into his office.

I closed the door behind me.

He looked up for a moment, dropping the pen he was using.

"Oh, good morning Full-, Ed," he said.

I nodded.

"Did you get any sleep last night? Your eyes are really red." He actually looked concerned.

"I'm fine," I answered, avoiding a direct answer.

"You don't seem fine." His eyes looked sad. I felt as though I couldn't take much more of this.

"Even if I weren't, it's not my place to make you worry,"

"You don't have to hide it. If you want to talk, I'll listen," he said softly. _Why did he have to be so nice?_

"I'm fine, don't worry about it. Yesterday was yesterday, I just want to forget about it,"

"If you keep pushing it down inside, it's only going to hurt you so much more. I don't want to see you hurt anymore," he said.

My mask was slipping.

I went over to the couch and sat down.

"Why," I asked.

"Why what?"

"Why are you being so nice to me…? I don't deserve this, after all I've done," I said. My eyes were burning with tears again.

"What are you talking about Edward?"

"This. All of this. You don't have to be nice. I don't deserve this kindness, not from anyone let alone you Roy,"

"Ed, I don't understand this, I want to be there for you,"

"But you shouldn't have to be. I have to be stronger than this if I want to get Al's body back. If I want to make things okay again,"

"But you shouldn't have to do it alone, you shouldn't have to feel like that's your only option.." He trailed off.

"I can handle this. I can do this. I.." I have no idea what to say.

"Look Ed, just let me try?"

I shook my head.

"No one else goes down," I said.

The mask is dangling.

"Ed, no one else is going to go down, including you. Ed, if you keep putting yourself through this day in and day out, Al isn't going to have a big brother to look up to, just an empty shell of the man you used to be,"

It shattered.

"It will be fine. I will be fine. No one else has to be involved in my sin. It's not their path to walk. I decided to take this road. It was my ignorance that affected the people around me. I'll be damned if I let my own actions hurt anyone else," I choked, my voice shaking. I let my bangs fan over my eyes, hiding them. Hiding my vulnerability.

"That's your down fall,"

"What?"

"You really don't see it do you Ed? It's sad. It really is. By pushing all these people away, by tormenting yourself like you do, it hurts more than anything. You're killing yourself Ed, you don't even see the poison that you are feeding to yourself do you?"

I shook my head.

"You're wrong…"

"If that's what you want to think," the older man spoke. I could hear the shaking in his voice. It wasn't anger. It wasn't pity. He was on the brink of tears. I knew it all too well.

"Please don't hurt over me. Maybe when you wake up tomorrow, it will all just be a beautiful nightmare," I whispered. I knew he heard me. But I was going to do what I did best. I was going to run away before he could say anything more.

I got up from the couch and walked to the door.

"Just let me go," I said, quickly exiting before he could exhale. I was a damn coward.

_Roy_'s P.O.V

_Just let me go… What was that supposed to mean? Why does he always run before I can see the truth? Why can't he see the light, escape the darkness? Why won't he just heal these wounds instead of pouring salt over them, letting the emotions and pain bubble for all to witness. He was victimizing himself without even realizing. My God what can I do for this poor soul?_

_ I never really believed in God. He never really gave me a reason to believe in him any ways. But I would flush every sin I had if I could just save this one boy. I would easily sell my soul to hell, because I know I will end up there one day. My arms crossed above this pact. I signed it long ago with the tears of those I took, and took from._

_ I could feel my tears etch out over the cracks in my youth. I had never been a fan of crying, it seemed like a weakness. But I can only appreciate the few things like tears that show me that I am human, that I'm not some hell hound bound by misery. These emotions that I have cursed for so long, I wish them to be something I take with me to the grave. Even if I am blind, even if I am numb, as long as one tear can trickle in pain or ecstasy, then I still have hope._

I got up from the desk and circled it.

_I need to end this before something comes to him, some thought that he can't shake. A false end to a battle so far gone._

I opened the door. I was fully aware of the tears that now stained my face. It was of no matter now.

"_Wow two of the strongest people in Central are crying today, what the hell happened?"_

"_Well you know those two, one is too conscious of height while the other could just be realizing the end of his skirt chasing dreams,"_

_ (Laughter)_

"If you dare talk about your superior behind his back, then you are both a fool. I have every intention to dispose of you smug ass trolls at some point. But just remember this, that boy, is a man, and he will be a man that will outshine every piece of scum that is here. He is what courage is. He is what true perseverance is. You try losing all that he has lost, and come back from the depths of hell and dispear. You try being half the man he really is, and still have the strength to move on every day. You worthless shit, you will never know," I shot bitterly.

"And as for crying… It is for the strong. Only the strong will know them. You will never realize what life is like if you can't appreciate the tears that are willing to fall for you. I guess I'll see you boys in hell one day," I ended, turning away from them. The fire burned in my heart. The tendency to light them up now was almost too great to ignore. But an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

I quietly walked around H.Q, looking about. I knew that the Lt. was bound to come after me sooner or later, but I needed the air. I needed time to breathe. Even if only for a moment, I needed the air outside of the office. The office was stained with pain, with bitterness, with emotion. Taking it in all at once becomes too much after a while, but sometimes it's the wake-up call that you need.

"Colonel Mustang Sir, I have to ask you to return to your desk. You have too much work to complete at the moment," came Hawkeye's voice.

"I understand. On your six," I replied.

I walked back into the stuffy office, taking notice to the red fabric on the couch.

_His coat._

In a way I was happy to find it. It gave me a less suspicious reason to drop by later after work.

I lifted the material and draped it over the back of my chair, sitting in it, feeling enveloped in his scent. It brought mixed emotions.

I sat there for what seemed like hours, signing papers without taking a second look at them, feeling no true significance behind them. For all I cared, it was just something to keep my hands busy.

I felt the day light disappear behind me, and as I finished the last paper and filed it, I felt myself fly from the chair.

"Sir, where are you going?" I heard Riza ask me as I walked out of the office.

"Home," I answered.

"But you still have-"

"All signed and filed. Good night Lt," I sang.

She had a puzzled look on her face, almost a look of disbelief. I had more important matters to attend to.

_Edward_'s P.O.V

I felt myself finally make my way home after hours of wandering. My emotions were drained, and I felt more confused now than I had felt before. I had met children today, they reminded me of Al and I when we were kids. They ran side by side with another girl, creating harmless trouble amongst each other. Their faces were painted with huge grins, big goofy ones of innocence. I missed those days. I watched them for so long, feeling enlightened as they continued to play and scream. The sun started to set, and they all seemed to be on a path home. That feeling was so similar. They had a home to go to, a place to feel all the love and warmth that they could be blessed with. I wished them well.

I made my way through the door.

"Hello Brother, how are you feeling?" Came Al's voice from another room again.

"Tired," I said wearily. _I was so damn tired._

"You're wearing yourself thin Brother. Speaking of thin, do look like you've been losing weight. When's the last time you ate something?" He questioned, now coming back to the main room.

"Earlier," I lied.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah Al, I'm sure,"

"I don't mind making you something Ed,"

"No that's alright Al. Thanks any ways I really appreciate it," I smiled. _Too nice. I don't deserve this. I'm shit. His older brother is shit._

"Would you like me to run you a shower?"

"Yeah I guess that would be nice, thanks,"

"Any time," he chirped.

I shook my head. _I know Al. I know._

I grabbed some clothes and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I felt anxiety as I stared at the cabinet. The craving was back. Temptation was sitting in its own corner, contained to four walls. Who was I to deny it any further?

I slid to the floor and grabbed the box again. There it was. Tainted with old blood. It smelled so toxic, so wonderful. I was sick, twisted, and high on the drug that was masochism.

I slid the object against my skin. It had a bite to it. I let it continue to nip my skin until it created pools, telling stories of pain, releasing the misery. It was messing with my mind. I wanted more. It was so sick, so sweet. Pick your poison, drink it whole if you dare. That was my poison. The bottle was as good as gone. My hands moved without me even registering it. I was on a tangent, I felt myself loose control in my actions. I needed this. I deserved this. The burning and irritation that covered every inch of my skin drove me absolutely insane.

I scraped myself raw, smelling that metallic smell again. I felt like a caged animal, craving the blood, watching it hungrily pool from my skin, wishing to see more, dying to see more. My soul screamed in pleasure, my mind could only watch weakly from the side lines as I continued to make a mess of myself.

When I had finally finished, there were multiple pools on the floor, melting into one. My mind was reeling. I was on the edge of a high. I looked down at my arm. It was drenched in blood. I felt as though I had truly covered every piece of pale skin there was to cover. My hair hung in strands, sweat beading on my for-head. My vision was blurred, I felt so light, yet so burdened.

_You fucking idiot what have you done?_

I had no idea how I was going to hide this. The nothingness inside of me was seeping out of each wound, so hollow. It was my burning desire. It was sin. _**It was sin.**_

The skin stung now, it proved to me the error of my way, but my soul was satisfied. I had suffered, that's what was important. The itching would all come in due time, the same lies would be inscribed once again. I was going to let it all go again sometime soon.

The water felt so hot over my skin. It was enough to wash away all the blood that had begun to dry to my skin. It was wrong, I knew it was wrong. But I was too weak to acknowledge it.

That's when the tears came.

_How could I do this again? I swore to myself, to everything that I stood for, to put it away, to get better. Not for just me, but for Al. One day, I'm going to take this too far. I'll bleed out here alone, and what will all do?_

_That was so damn scary. It was like a monster had taken over. It bore its fangs and I backed down, letting its hot breath beat down on my face as it did what it pleased. It laughed at me, sending shivers down my spine. That was not me. And that's what scared me the most. _

_It was like watching your own face contort into something that you didn't even recognize any more, smiles so evil that it made you want to cry. I have never gone so far before. It started off as a few. It was always enough to hold me over, but now… But now it was overwhelming my thoughts, it was in my blood stream, it burned in my veins, begging to be spilled. I have never been so terrified in my life._

_Roy, please, if you can somehow hear me, please take my words seriously. I'm losing grip on who I am, please let me go, before I change into this monster that I'm slowing becoming. For the love of anything please, let me go._

* * *

__Well that's it guys. Long chapter this time around huh? Well, I want to thank those who have reviewed, I want to also thank the many of you who have viewed the story and added to their lists of alerts and favourites. That also makes me quite happy. Well, I hope to update my other project and finish my promised list on acknowledgments for Subjective Chills as well. Please review if you can, for it makes me happy and lets me know how to make you guys happy as well.

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan.


	4. Chapter 4: Save Me

Hey guys, I love the support that I'm continuing to receive. I would like a review or two this time because even though I read my own and edit my chapters, I might come off as redundant or down right cheesy, so just let me know if that happens guys, I just want to make you all happy ^^

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Chapter 4: Save Me

_Edward_'s P.O.V

Have you ever just woken up one morning, or evening, and felt as though the day was already over, that there was nothing it could offer for you? That was becoming my cycle. The birds could sing, rainbows could paint themselves on blank canvases, but the beauty was gone. There was nothing for me here. The darkness around me was so strong, that even a flower in full bloom seemed to lose its soul and wilt before the somberness that was pain.

I walked any where I could go. It was only 3 in the morning, Al was in a completely different room, so I snuck out. Hell, there was nothing to worry about now, if someone wanted me, they could have me, there wasn't anything left.

The empty shell that I carry around… It's a burden. These feelings, are a burden. Even when I was on top of the world so long ago, I could always be brought down by my own emotions, to show this weakness so naturally, I was condemned so long ago.

I don't even know if I can help Al. I want to promise myself that I can, to promise him, to be the brother I need to be and make it okay. But at this point, I didn't know what to do. I had no will to walk this Earth any more. You could throw me into the depths of hell, let me burn to the core, suffer an eternity. Nothing that you do, nothing that I do, will bring back my baby brother's smile. That was my fault.

_I laugh. It's really all my fault. How could I have thought that it was possible to play "God"? Hell, I don't even know who "God" is. Just a three letter word that leads religion. It was hope. To me, it was something else to blame. Mom was gone. That should have been the end of it. Maybe if I had just let her rest where she belonged, this wouldn't have happened. But here I am, two limbs replaced by this cold metal, and my brother wearing the thick armor as his body. Only his soul bound to this damn piece of tin to make him my brother. Such a damn fool I was. But as content as he is, this is not the life in which he was meant to live, the life in which he was entitled to live, and who was I to take that away?_

After all this, came the destruction of our home, no wear back to turn, no place to give up at. No, we made sure that all ties were cut so that we could find the answer. We were each other's home. But then the new ties were made. Roy saw me there sick and pathetic as even in that chair. He offered me a position. I took that chance. It just gave me more heart ache.

That man gave me a chance in this world, but he also drives me from it. It was a frenzie of emotions that I could no longer control, it wasn't mine. Now I sit here at a bridge, not even realizing that I walked all the way out here, facing the monster that I have become. Here I am, watching glistening waters, as they whisper my name, welcome me in to take the plunge, to become one with hell.

I look at them, my eyes blur. It seems like a free fall. An oblivion I can melt in. I edge closer. I want this. I want this so bad. The waters are so tempting. They're just like me, they know who I am, and with that, I dangle one foot over the edge. The panic I once felt melts, and I know it's the right choice. I'm not afraid to die. I'll let death bear its fangs at me, let it meet me face to face with its hot breath on my face. I'll let it take me head on. As it takes me, I'll reminisce in all these nightmares, and pray that Al will make it one of these days.

With all that said, I slid off of the edge.

* * *

_Roy_'s P.O.V

I was driving slowly, watching a character walk onto the bridge. He looked fairly lost, but I watched. I was on my way to see Edward, but something told me to go a different way.

The character took a step over the rails, and hung off the bridge.

_He's going to jump_.

I got out of the car and walked over, getting a better look at the person.

_Holy shit it's Edward!_

I started to run, but he slid right off.

"NO!" I screamed. I felt myself pumping my legs so fast, that I couldn't even tell if my feet were touching the ground. Without a second thought, I lept over the railing and flew over the edge. Nothing was on my mind other than Edward. He was so close. Then he was close enough to grab.

I wrapped my body around him and turned us slightly, so that the first one to hit the water would be me.

It felt like hours with the young blonde in my arms, he had obviously passed out.

Then, we hit the water. We sunk lower and lower. It was so dark and cold beneath the surface. I held onto the frail alchemist and began to swim to the surface. Holding my breath, praying I could save him. I finally saw it, so close, just enough to break. With my nose out, I took a full breath. My nostrils were filled with the salty scent of the ocean.

I pulled the blonde up and brought him out of the water, and laid him down on the shore, checking for a pulse. He still had one.

_Thank God._

I pushed on his chest, breathing into him, and pushing again.

"Come on Ed!" I cried, feeling tears come to my eyes.

1,2,3,4,5

I breathed again.

"Edward come on please, don't give up, I need you," I yelled.

1,2,3,4,5

I gave another breath.

"Come on Edo!" I sobbed, pushing as hard as I could.

1,2,3..

After the third push, he began to spit up water.

"Edward!" I yelled.

He hacked for a good minute, I pulled him up and bent him over, patting his back.

"You're going to be okay Ed," I said.

He coughed and wheezed, but turned back to me with tears in his eyes.

"Why?" I asked.

"Can't… Live… Like… This," he coughed out.

"Like what?"

"Stop… Please… No… More… Not… Worth it,"

"No, you are, I'm going to make sure you are. I'm never going to let you go," I yelled to him.

"Then… please," he said softly, breathing hard.

"What Edward?"

"S-save… Save me," he choked out. He lowered himself to the ground, and closed his eyes.

"I'll save you Edward, even if it takes my last breath," I whispered.

I walked over to the poor boy and picked him up in my arms, carrying him bridal style. I was going to bring him home. To my home. I had the feeling that being with his brother would be too much pressure on him.

I slowly walked to the car, careful with the sleeping alchemist in my arms, and put him into the back. I quietly closed the door and climbed in. The soft rumble of the old engine helped to calm me. But I still had the urge to sob and wail. He was so broken, like a bird with wings made of brittle glass. I let the tears stream down, but I did it in silence. To be driven to the point of suicide so early in life, it was heartbreaking.

I drove to the place where he and Al were staying, careful to hide Ed in the back so Al wouldn't see him.

I knocked on the door.

"Oh hello Colonel, sir," he said, answering the door promptly.

"Hello Alphonse. Sorry to drop by so late, but I wanted to let you know that Ed is at my house,"

"Oh thank goodness I was worried about him. It's not like him to walk out like that without letting me know,"

"Well, he didn't really plan on it from what I was told, but he had some things he needed to review with me. I think he will be staying with me for a while actually. There is much to do and practice for an upcoming mission, and I need to make sure that he is prepared, is that is alright with you young Elric?"

"Oh that's fine Colonel sir, I just wanted to make sure that brother was okay,"

"Oh, he'll be alright," I said, feeling tension pulling and constricting in my chest.

"Well okay, good night sir," he said.

"Good night Alphonse," I concluded, watching him close the door as I turned around.

The smile I carried had been shattered and thrown away. I had no idea what to do, or how to even go about this, but I needed to at least get him home with me.

I walked to the car, and started it up, looking back at Ed, but he was still asleep, one arm hanging off the seat, his damp hair hanging in a loose pony tail.

It was disheartening; he still looked like a kid. Just moments ago, he tried to take his own life. It was so real, so cold; It slapped you in the face and left a print so that you would never forget.

The drive was long, slow, it gave me too much time to think. To think about him , about life, all the things that he was missing out on. The outcome if I hadn't been there in time. There were images of a blue faced teen being pulled from the water, long gone, no chance at taking another breath. I stifled a sob.

I walked out of the driver's side and opened his door, curling him into me again, and closing the door with my foot.

I held him close as I walked up the stairs to the door, it was like a possession. No one was going to take him from me.

Once I was finally inside the house, I locked the door behind me and set him on the couch. He was soaked to the bone. If I left him like that, he was probably going to freeze to death.

I walked up the stairs and grabbed an over sized T from my drawers, and a pair of sweats. They were probably too big, but it was better than his original attire.

I made my way over to him, and went about this very carefully. First, sliding off the soaked boots and tossing them aside. Then the leather pants. I picked up the sweats and replaced the soaked ones with them.

Lastly, I undid the tie at the top of the black coat he wore, sliding that off and tossing it aside. I also took off the tank top, but I wasn't prepared for what I was about to see.

"Oh my God," I whispered. I looked at his arm, red and irritated, covered in a thousand cuts. Thin white lines from old wounds, browning scratches to show age, and bright red ones, dark and new. They all looked so painful.

_How long has he been doing this to himself? Why would he do this? Why, it made no sense… How could he do this to himself? Did he really hate himself that much?_

I saw that some of them were still bleeding, probably from being stretched open again.

I took a breath, tried to calm myself down. I traced the thin lines, his face twitched. I touched one of the newer ones that were bleeding. A high pitched wince came from the blonde, his face contorted with pain. I withdrew my arm and patted his head.

I went into the pantry and grabbed a basket full of guaze and other medical items. There was too much to fit into an actual first aid kit.

I pulled out a dense brown bottle and soaked a piece of cotton in it, wiping it along his arm. I could see that it stung from his facial expressions, but by the way they were bubbling, they were most likely going to be infected if they weren't treated properly.

I regained my composure and began to bandage his arm, wrapping it in layers, watching blood soak through them. I felt my heart sink with each wrap.

Finally, I stopped, and put the shirt on him. We were going to need to talk about this when he woke up. But for now, I wanted him to get some sleep, after all he went through tonight, and for the long road ahead, he was going to need it.

As for me, I sank down to the side of the couch, put my head in my hands, and cried.

* * *

_Edward_'s P.O.V

I felt myself hit the surface, but something was different. I was trying to slip to the other side, where death awaited, its claws inches from me, but something kept tugging me towards the other end. I heard someone calling my name. This wasn't what I wanted. I needed to die, it was all I could do now.

But the pulling became too great, and I felt myself slip into that thin layer of reality, until I was pulled all the way through.

I heard someone call my name again as I opened my eyes, but my lungs were filled with water, I was throwing it up, coughing, getting it out of my system. My mouth was filled with the bitter taste of salt, and my throat and eyes stung badly from the consumption.

The person pulled me up and hunched me over, patting my back as I let the rest of the water poor out of me.

"You're going to be okay Ed!" I heard the person call.

_Oh God damn it all, it was Roy._

I craned my neck to see him.

"Why?" He asked. _Oh hell. It's all out there now isn't it?_

"Cant… Live…Like … This," I managed to say between my violent coughing.

"Like what?"

I couldn't bare this, the constant back and forth. Having to re-open the wounds everytime

"Please…Stop…No…More…Not…Worth it," I choked out, still wheezing.

"No, you are, I'm going to make sure you are. I'm never going to let you go," he yelled.

He wasn't going to give up. I just wanted it all to stop.

"Then.. please,"

"What Edward?" He whispered, kneeling beside me.

"S-save, Save me," I spat out.

All I wanted to do was to go to sleep. To close my tired eyes, because sleep never came for me, and to pray that it would be better when I woke up.

I got onto the ground and closed my eyes. He whispered something to me, but I was too far gone to hear what he said.

_ I sank lower and lower into the sub consciousness. Letting myself sink deep inside myself until I was in pitch black. I sat somewhere inside, surrounded by darkness. I looked around, but saw nothing, but I did hear something._

_ There was a low growling bouncing around me, crawling closer to me. _

_ Then I saw a glowing pair of eyes. I was facing my inner demon._

_ I finally felt it so close to me, that it was hot, moist on my face. I could feel the energy pooling out of him, the darkness greater than anything I had ever encountered. It was as if the devil was inside of me, but I felt no fear. I knew this creature, I was controlled by this creature._

_ I walked up to it, and looked it dead in the face. It snarled and bore its teeth. Stained with blood, my own blood._

_ "You miserable bitch," I whispered to it so coldly, that the atmosphere had changed completely._

_ "You've been working to take everything away from me, controlling my thoughts, driving me over the edge. You damned creature, you are the reason why there's nothing left for me in this world anymore," I said. _

_ It looked at me, its eyes narrowed to thin slits. Then it spat at me. A thick coating of sludge sliding down the side of my face. What I thought to be saliva was blood. Thick, red, clotted blood. The thing it craved from me the most._

_ I flung it off of my face, letting it splatter onto the ground. _

_ "You make me sick," I snapped._

_ "All this time, when I slid that cursed silver blade across my skin, it was YOU who wanted the pain, the misery, the high of it all. It was YOU who contorted my soul. It was fucking YOU who drove me into the darkness," I cried. _

_ It sat before me. I wasn't sure if was about to attack, but I watched it. Then, it raised a paw and pointed at me._

_ "What?"_

_ It kept its paw where it was, and motioned its head toward me, then he pointed to himself._

_ Oh. I see it now. I understand. I AM him. _

_ "So, we are one then?"_

_ He nodded._

_ I nodded myself. After all this time, after all this damage, I was this creature. I was a monster. I allowed for him to grow this large, to become this cruel, to crave what he did. I made it worse._

_ "You know something, I still hate you, but I think I can fix you. Make you small again. I think… I think I can get rid of you somehow,"_

_ The creature rose again and maintained a defensive position. Apparently he didn't take too kindly to the idea._

_ "Well whether your sorry ass likes it or not, it's gunna happen, and all this bullshit is going to end real soon," I snapped at it. _

_ In here, I wasn't the frail person I was on the surface. I was myself here, I didn't have to battle my emotions. I had control of myself. But out there, in the real world, I'm contained in the walls again. I'm just a hollow shell trying to figure it all out. I had to battle this demon and myself. They are pushing so hard at me, that I have no idea where to go, so I'm forced into the deep depression, left in the resolve, the after math of it all._

_ I was so ashamed. Once I did finally wake up, Roy was going to be on the other side, probably uncovering all of my dirty little secrets, trying to figure it all out alone. Why did it have to go so far? Why was I pushed so far over the edge? Why tonight?_

_ I walked to the corner of this hollow space and made my way to the floor. I watched the creature sink back into its position on the floor and finally put my head down between my knees, and cried._

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Okay guys that's it. I took way to long to write this, but blame it on Friends because that's what was on in the background. If you do watch it, it was the one where they go to Barbados for Ross's key note conference, and Racheal tells Joey (kind of) that she has feelings for him after he breaks up with Charlie. Well, let me shut up about this show and let me divulge a little more. This chapter in particular, I have no idea how far I'm going to fo with the story, so I'm trying to move it along so I don't become redundant. I decided to let Edward focus on this creature that is his inner demon I guess as symbolism. Either way, I hope to have a good chapter for you all maybe tomorrow and maybe a new review (pretty please) so thank you all. Remember, it makes me happy~!

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	5. Chapter 5: Move to the Phenomenon

Hello my readers, my lovely readers~! Past couple days have been very hard and stressful for me, and to keep that from affecting my writing too much, I decided not to post. So, I'm back, still a little on edge, but that's okay, this type of influence in the chapter may be good. So, thank you to those who have read, reviewed, and added, it is greatly appreciated, and let's get rolling with chapter 5 shall we?

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Chapter 5: Move to the Phenomenon

_Edward_'s P.O.V

_This feeling of being six feet under, it's all I know. To be pushed below the surface and left to die. That was my intention, and yet, I was saved. I was pulled from this shallow pit that I dug for myself, and placed back into the confusion that pushed me further from reality. Was it a blessing or a sin?_

_To be loved in such a way, to give my life value, it was more than I deserved now. I gave up all those rights long ago when I sold my soul to my desire. When I gave up my will to live and severed my ties with God. To deceive and to be deceived are two completely different things, but when you're on a catch 22 road, it all seems the same. It all crawls under your skin, nipping at your wounds, tearing at the scars; hoping to break them open again._

_I met with my inner demon, to only realize we are one in the same. I made this creature, I gave it life, I fueled its lust and fed its appetite. Of course all the bumps along the way were my own fault; the control that I lost was my fault. This insecurity is now in place of pride. How I let it get this far, I don't know._

_I was chipped down from the form of a man, past the shell. There was nowhere in which this soul could lie, for I gave that up long ago as well. Now it drifts somewhere inside this black hole that I dare call a heart. This redemption in the sickest of ways. So lonely, that's what it is. Taking the time to learn to breathe just to have your lungs crushed the next day by something bigger than you, who craves your bloodshed and misery just as much as you do. _

_The nights when you want to sit and cry only seem like self victimization in the end. These tears dangle from my eyelashes, not this clear salty liquid I once knew, but this metallic red that I have become so accustomed to. You stare at the silver blade and let it gleam, shining in the dim light of secrecy. You pray to God that no one will catch you in the act, but deep inside, you hope that one day they will see all these scars and realize how bad it was, realize how much your hand needs to be held. You hope one day that this pain and misery will end, that some one will take this cold stained hand, throw away that blade and bring you into the light. But when you sit in the filtered light all alone, with that blade whispering its temptation to you, there is no light, there is no love, there is no hope. There is the sickening burn of sin that scratches at old scars, and a cool after taste left in your mouth. When you are there alone in the darkness, all you want to do is become one with it, and drift backwards until you are no longer insight of yourself._

_You can take another look at that blade, and before you know it, your hands are dancing methodically about your skin placing all these new marks across it, creating record on your arm of how sad, depressed, and pathetic you really are. You wont believe any of the truth in your head until you lean back against that wall, your breathing shallow and quick, beads of sweat across your forehead; You sit there and cry, because now you know what you've done, as your blood drips and pools around you on the floor, the stench of loss so strong, you just want to rock on your knees and wake up from the nightmare that you created for yourself. You never take the time to understand all of this until it is really too late._

_Before I jumped on that bridge, these were the thoughts in the back of my mind. This was the truth that I crossed out in my own blood. Now I remove the sticky webs, and recollect myself. I had all the answers, why did I push them away?_

_There is no way of going back now. This I know to be true; And maybe I will never be saved, but at least I got a second chance to look back at it all now. Maybe I'll get a second chance at love too._

I feel my eyes flutter open, the room dark around me. It's not the room I normally lay in, it's somewhere else, but familiar. I've been here once before, but not for more than a moment.

I ease myself up, my throat still raw from the water. My attire has changed. My arms now bandaged in white with red to peak through the layers. _Well he knows._

Speaking of the he, I was curious as to where he was.

I moved around a bit until I saw a black patch of hair peaking out from the side of the couch. I moved to the edge and saw the man fast asleep against the arm. His arms crossed over his chest, his legs outstretched in front of him and crossed at the ankles. His face displayed no emotion. I hadn't the heart to wake him.

I crawled off the couch and sat at his feet, curling my body so that I was lying right next to him.

_Maybe when he wakes up, the sun will finally rise._

* * *

_Roy_'s P.O.V

I felt myself slowly nod off to sleep. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but with my eye lids so heavy and burning so, I decided not to fight it any more.

_I walked through the dark mist that had surrounded me. I could barely make out my feet in front of me. I looked every which way, and decided to seat myself on the floor._

_That's when I saw images. It was the film of an old tape, spiraling on a reel, the picture mixed with blacks and grays and solids; grainy to the last detail. _

_There was Edward. His gold hair falling around him. I could see a silver blade by his side, stained in blood. His blood I could only assume. His head fell between his knees, his arm covered in blood and wounds, his back bruised and battered. I could see his small frame shake. My heart was breaking, I just wanted to be there next to him. I then found myself in that frame. He was there, so close that felt like I could touch him._

_I bent down and touched him lightly on the shoulder. He whimpered and looked up, his face stained with blood, the tears in which he cried were composed of blood. My heart sunk so low, tears burned my eyes._

"_Where were you?" He whispered. "When I needed you all this time, when I sat here and bled and cried for hours in the dark, where were you when I needed you?" _

"_I don't know," I said. _

"_Well now it's too late. I believe that the time has come to let go. Where I can slide off the edge of the bridge and be swallowed in the waters of my sin. Let me fade from this dreary existence and make my bed in nightmares among the ruins of my heart. Tear me to pieces and let me drift in the wind, like paper long forgotten. Erase my name from the records in which you keep, when you wake up, I'll just be a memory fading from your mind, leaving a tear drop on your window to remember me by," he said, walking away from me._

"_No please, I want to be here, to hold you, smell your skin, to keep you close," _

"_I wanted that once. For 6 years I wanted that. Well now my soul is not my own. My contract has been signed," he said, more bloody tears sliding down his face._

"_But,"_

"_But now it's over. When you wake up tomorrow, I will be gone. I will fade so fast from your memory, that you will contemplate whether or not I was really real. In the end, I will be a drug leaving your system. You'll crave it for a long time, but eventually, you'll forget all about me, and the way I made you feel,"_

"_Can't we start over, make this right?" I pleaded._

"_HA! If it were that simple," he laughed bitterly ," If it were that simple, then I would feel no need to take this plunge alone," he said. I watched him walk away._

"_Not again, NOT AGAIN," I cried, running after him. I jumped and wrapped my arms around him, but his body turned to pieces of torn paper and floated away._

I woke with a start, sweat etching down my face. The blonde boy was not on the couch, but at my feet.

I was going to move, but he wrapped his arms around my leg.

"Don't leave me,"

"Wouldn't dream of it," I said.

That nightmare, it felt so real. The pain of loss I felt in my heart, it still burned in my chest.

"Do you want to talk?"

"Whenever you're ready," I answered.

"Well, I know you already know," he said, pointing to his bandages. I nodded.

"So tell me what you think about what I've done," he said.

His face scrunched and his eyes closed.

"I feel as though you were in a very dark place, hurting by yourself all alone," I started.

"I feel as though I wasn't there for you when you needed it, and all that loneliness clawed at you. Those marks and scars on your arms, you may think they are punishment, to make due with your sin. But to me, it shows me that you just needed someone to lead you away from all this pain in darkness. That dried blood on your arm, that just shows the human in you. You cut for the feeling, to know that some where inside of you, you're alive. All that blood and tears shed, they were just the emotion pouring out of you. It's alright to hurt… To be confused. But now, I'm going to help you find the emotion and pure human soul inside, without etching it from yourself. I want you to know, I'm not ashamed or disappointed, I'm just sad that I couldn't have read the signs sooner for you," I finally finished. The alchemists' expression had changed. His eyes were wide with surprise.

"You don't hate me?" he asked in a small voice.

"Never," I replied.

His eyes welled up with tears now.

"Even after I was so pathetic? So translucent? Even when I let my emotions get the better of me and break me down from the inside?"

"None of it causes me to hate you, at all. You're just confused, you're still young. You have a lot of pressure on you and it is too much to be able to carry on your own. Edward, I know you're a strong person, and we are going to work hard together to make sure that find the person you want to be inside of you, because he is in there," I answered.

He wiped his tears and flung himself on me. I rubbed his back in small circles.

"In the end, all I wanted was to be accepted, and I felt like that was wrong, after all the pain and misery that all caused, I didn't deserve to be accepted," he cried. "I felt as though I were less than human, that I deserved less than others because I took someone's life from them, I played God and I fucked up, yet I brought someone so innocent down with me," he paused. "That was never fair; Every day, it became a tic mark to mark each day that he had gone without his body. It was a reminder so that I would never forget the pain he went through each day. Every time, it got a little longer; a little deeper. Then, when I was older, I let it start to get out of control. Now, I have no control over it when that blade is back in my hands. I promised myself I would stop, but the burn came back, it was in my veins, in my thoughts, my dreams,"

"Now, there's a demon inside of me; that is me, what I became. I have no control of myself when I have to battle everything around me, it snarls in my face, makes me give in. I'm now the puppet, the strings I once used to tie myself to this world were cut and strung around my heart, making it so that it had all control over me, over what I felt," he paused and took a breath, "Have you ever been controlled by something on the inside? Just pulled every which way and have no idea until everything was done and over with? To have black vision and fall numb until each sin has been inscribed? It's the scariest thing alive, because the next day, it might go too far. That's what happened last night. I let it get too far, and that almost cost me every chance I had left," he finally finished.

I felt as though he had let me inside, that he had spilled out the true feelings in his heart.

He looked back up at me.

"I don't want to go back there, to be stared down and lose control. Never again," he said, his eyes red and puffy from crying.

I hugged him tight. "Never again," I repeated.

"I have a plan for you," I said.

"Hm?"

"At the end of each day, I want you to give me something. And by this, I mean either a new reason to keep going, a new reason to stop cutting, or a new reason why you are happy to be alive," I started, "And after a full month, if you feel as though the demon inside of you is still too much for you to bear, than we slowly start letting medical officials in on this. One by one," I said.

"I…. I…" he stuttered.

"Is this something that we can work with? I want to help you, but you have to do the work and show me, prove to me that you want this just as much as you say you do," I said. I didn't want to be harsh on him, but I knew that if I were too soft, he would never heal, and make the progress on his own.

"I… I want to try this.." he said and nodded.

"Then we will start today. It is 06:47. You have until we retire tonight to give me a good reason to show that you really want to heal, alright?"

He nodded.

"Then good luck to you Edward,"

* * *

_Edward_'s P.O.V

We conversed of our future plans for a while, before making our way to me and Al's place. I was supposedly "Training for an upcoming mission, and I need to stay with the Colonel for a month." I needed to tell this to Alphonse, grab clothes, and other needed materials, and leave the blade behind.

I managed to lie to Alphonse, again. It was becoming a sad, painful habit. I made it up the stairs and walked into the bathroom. I closed the door, knowing the silver gleam lurked in a small box.

I packed a box with the things I needed and headed back down the stairs, glad to have the small black coat to hide all the scars from my brother.

"Please take care of yourself Brother," Al said before I left. I nodded to him and left, my back towards the door.

I climbed into the passenger's side, my box on my lap, and let Roy drive us back to the house.

I followed him up the stairs and let him lead me into a room. There was a large bed dressed in black and blue satin sheets.

I placed the box on the floor.

"This is where you will be sleeping. This is my room. Until you can prove to me that I can leave you alone, you will share that bed with me," he said, a slight tint to his cheeks.

"You can put your clothes where ever you want, just try to refrain from leaving them on the floor," he laughed.

"Um, also, bathroom, down the hall third door on the left," he pointed. I nodded and walked to it, opening the door.

The mirror was shattered. I looked back at Roy who was close behind me.

"Accident a long time ago, replacing a shower rod and it slipped and slammed into the mirror," he said, scratching the back of his head.

That's when I saw tiny shards still in back of the sink, and the hand that lay by his side was scratched atop the knuckles. I understand the pain; I wasn't going to dig for answers. It's not my place to do so.

We made it back downstairs and he led me through the living room and into the kitchen.

"This is the kitchen, if there is anything in there, then it is as good as yours," he said.

"Don't you take the time to eat at home?"

"Never really had the time," he sighed.

_Maybe I can change that._

He led me back to the living room.

"You've already been in here, but off to the side there is a book case full of alchemy techniques and all that good stuff, just in case you get bored," he said.

"Also, one of the rooms upstairs is a library, full of alchemy and other science/biology/chemistry, the whole nine," he rambled on about the contents of the library.

"Well, I guess that's it. What's mine is yours, so please make yourself as comfortable as you can," he finished.

I nodded. I felt like what I had waited for was finally going to happen. I was going to be here, with Roy.

"Any questions?"

I shook my head.

"Well, alright," he said.

"Also, at night, before we sleep, when you tell me your reason, I also want to take time to reflect and remember, to discuss and realize. By doing this, you don't forget it but you don't dwell on it. You just learn to accept it and learn from it. Edward, I don't accept this to be easy, but I know that you can do it," he said softly, adding a small smile.

"Roy,"

"Hm?"

"I think I have my first reason," I said.

"Oh? And what might that be?"

"Well, today, I am grateful that I am alive because I have a second chance…. I have something to really live and look forward to… I'm happy to be alive today because I'm not alone."

* * *

Well that is it today guys. I hope I didn't ramble too much. I have this thing that I kind of run with, once I have an idea, I let what ever is in my mind flow through my finger tips and onto the screen it goes. Then i just take out what I don't like and re-edit. Ha, I've been working on this since 11:37 p.m, and it is now 1:13 am. I hope this is a damn good chapter =P

Any ways, please review if you can, it makes me very happy and gives me motivation~!

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	6. Chapter 6: Day One

Hello people. Another hard week. Let's see, 4 straight days of testing (where I tested for about 4-5 hours straight) and also a lot to do after classes and different sports and conferences to do to take up all my precious writing time. Once I get home, I'm drained. I was watching the Celtics game with my cat Buddy, but I fell asleep and so far they are in the 4th quarter. Any who, I will get on with this. Hopefully it isn't all that bad~!

* * *

Chapter 6: Day One

_Edward_'s P.O.V

_In a way, it felt wrong to be at work, to talk to the people. You want to hide your face, to make it seem as though you aren't there. They have no idea what's going on inside, and some frankly don't care, but you think they can see right through you, that they laugh on the inside, that they only seethe. It was ridiculous, that I could understand, but the tension I felt when someone came near me was too real for comfort._

The day dragged on, I was placed in desk work with Roy; No questions were asked. There were mission reports that I had to review, some from my own past that I decided to look back on and re edit. There were missions that I just didn't want to remember. The laboratories, the investigation of Maes Hughes death, the run-ins with Scar back here in Central. All times where I had showed weakness, it made my skin crawl.

It finally became dark, and Roy and I had been relieved of our duties. I walked out the office before there could be any late night conversations. All I really wanted to do was get the hell out of there and go home.

Roy didn't seem to notice my haste, and stopped to talk on the way out. Honestly, I really didn't want to wait so that I could get sucked into the conversation, I just wasn't ready for all of that yet.

Roy sat by the entrance and I brushed passed him, walking the familiar dark path to his house. The lamp posts were blocked by over grown trees, the darkness overwhelming in some areas, I felt it sink into me, wanting to become one again, that's when I started to run, shaking my head and yelling mentally at myself.

_This was not a good idea, of course I have to pick the darkest fucking path to get home. The streets became one with each other, twisting and bending until I could only see my feet in front of me as I pumped forward. My heart was about to beat out of my chest, the fear and anxiety reaching new heights as I continued forward, trying to get away from the dark shadows that were all around me. They only grew in length, taking the form of my own body in motion. These dark shadows were me, and there was nothing I could do to get away from them._

_Something was pulling me back, restricting me, but there was nothing there. I stood still, my breathing hard, the only sounds that could be heard were my own. I looked around, the surroundings completely dark, no light source in sight. Even the moon had been absorbed behind clouds and shadows. There were whispers dancing through my ears, telling me to walk backwards, to not look back, to not hold back. They were screaming, tearing at my ears, threatening to pick me to pieces. It was horrifying._

_I held my hands to my ears, and tried to block them out, talking quietly to myself, making false promises. They only got louder, more controlling. They could see all my moves before I could even register them. I was the unsuspecting character in the horror movie, and they were getting ready to pounce._

_I crouched low to the ground, feeling the shadows dance across my back, over my hands, I closed my eyes shut, I was cornered._

_Something was right behind me, warm; full of life and energy that flowed through its body. I was too scared to look at it, I was frozen in place. _

_That's when it came from behind, and grabbed a hold of me. I kicked and screamed, pushed and shoved until it restrained me finally, and pinned me to the ground._

I opened my eyes to see Roy this time, panting, his arms holding mine to the ground.

"Oi Edward, are you alright what the hell just happened here?" He asked, completely bewildered.

"Please let me go," I whispered.

"Tell me what happened," he spoke again.

"Roy LET ME GO!" I screamed, writhing underneath of him, his face partially painted with shadows.

"Jesus Ed," he jumped back off me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"It's fine, it's fine," he sighed. "Let me ask you again now, what the hell just happened back there? And just now? You were acting as if I were trying to kill you," he said, trying to keep calm.

"I don't really know how to explain it," I said, looking at my surroundings, feeling them start to close in on me. I started backing up, trying to create space between us.

"Edward what are you doing?" He asked, trying to keep up with me.

"Look, we can't talk here, it's not the right place, it's a bad place," I said frantically, still moving backwards.

"Okay, we'll get out of here, give me your hand," he said softly.

He was a saint, putting up with me like this, I didn't really deserve it.

I gave him my hand, and let him pull me to my feet, pulling me into him.

"God, you're shaking," he whispered.

"Let's just go now," I said, "I really don't like it here,"

He nodded in agreement, bringing me from the old beaten path back onto the main roads, where we were surrounded with lamp posts. The light was dim, but the shadows receded, I was bigger than they were here.

We walked mainly in silence back to the house, every so often exchanging glances of reassurance to each other.

When we finally made it to the front door, I found myself flying inside to the couch.

"What is it with you and couches?" He laughed as I plopped down on it.

"I don't know, more convenient and closer than a bed," I said. I gave a weak smile but I was still spooked by what had happened.

"Well, want to go talk now?" He asked, gesturing towards the stairs.

I nodded, and made my way up the stairs, Roy close behind.

Once finally seated, he closed the door.

"For real now Edward, what happened back there? One moment you are beside me at Central, next you're taking off like a bat out of hell," he said.

"It was like something was chasing after me. Once I hit that spot, I felt as though all the power I had was completely drained from me. You don't understand how hard it is to try and live normally beside things that have taken over your mind and body like some kind of drug. It controls me Roy. The darkness. All it wants to do is pull me into it. I never fought it before, I always gave into it and let it do as it pleased with my mind, my emotions, my body. But now, if you resist, it gets louder, more blood curdling, it demands you, there are no questions. You try to make it stop, to block it out, and prove that you have control, but you can't do a damn thing about it, because it already knows you, it's already on the inside. I'm just a pawn letting it pull the strings, letting it take the blood it craves,

"When I was there, I actually thought that it was going to pull me back into it and absorb me. It enclosed itself around me, as crazy as it sounds, it came after me Roy. The pain and misery, the masochism, it's all fueled by the darkness. It's my darkness. I'm pushing it out of me, and it wants to get back inside. It wants to make a home in my heart again, to play its tainted music on the battered strings. It hurts, and I don't know how to fight it," I finally finished.

"Why did you attack me then?"

"Isn't it obvious? I was there, my eyes covered, my senses screwed and blurred. I had no idea it was really you. I thought it was some form trying to finally claim me after it cornered me like a prize. I didn't know it was you. I was just so scared," I said, feeling myself shake.

"Why did you push me away afterward, screaming at me when I had finally gotten a hold of you?"

"Why do you ask these questions? I did it because there was no way that I was going to let something hold me back again, to corner me like it had. I escaped it once, I wanted to stay in control for as long as I could. With you holding me down, holding me back, it was like making me the prey again," I spoke.

"Don't you listen to what you say Edward?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You just proved very clearly that you didn't want to be a part of the darkness. You just proved very clearly that you will fight in order to protect that freedom, didn't you?" He asked, interlacing his fingers and placing his chin on them.

I nodded.

"Then there is obviously something inside of you that is stronger than the darkness, you're just reading into it a little too much. The natural reactions that our bodies have are a wonderful thing, don't take that for granted and feed into fear. You let fear kick in when you have that one moment of life or death that is so clear, you can see into Heaven itself," he said. I listened to his words, let them soak in.

"I feel like there is something deeper in you that is fueling this fear of darkness, something that you pushed so far down inside of you, that it's hard to actually figure out what it is,"

"I don't think so," I hesitated.

"You don't know it yet, but there is another reason… something that needs to be dug out,"

"But what if I'm not ready for it?"

"When you dig, you have to go through copious layers before you finally get to the center. As we pass those layers of emotion, you will become more prepared for the raw emotion inside, that is something I know for a fact. I may seem like a silly playboy to you, but I know a thing or two about these kinds of things," he laughed.

"I know, I trust you Roy. You're all that I have left," I sighed.

"We need to start with a new layer,"

"Now?"

"Yes now. With what just happened, that had to trigger something else inside of you. I want you to describe it to the last detail, and don't let me interrupt you. Don't stop until you are satisfied," he said.

"Well, alright…. When I was in there, that reminded me of something, I was 12, and it was after the incident… I was sitting in that wheel chair, unable to make contact with the real world, letting my eyes drift listlessly about the room, but my vision only encompassed clips of the night that I lost it all. It played like old film, cursing me never to forget. I felt numb and cold. Every time I tried to change the situation, it always ended up worse than the last time, but every time, Al was always lost, and there was nothing that I could do. I felt that same darkness come to me, wrap its shadows around my heart, and promise me that it will bid my blood to flow, that I will feel some sort of emotion. I sank lower and lower into it until I could no longer see the film, or the room that I sat in. All I saw was darkness, and that's all I wanted,"

"I wanted to hide from all the faces, to hide from Al, to sit there and wither away into it and let it replace my life with a shell, so that I could feel the way Al did; just left there to drift with no body to feel with, and that sounded just fine to me, but that's when I heard you come in. You looked at me like a human being, not like a lost puppy, but some one that you could work with. You looked at me like I was real. I let your words lift me past these layers of darkness until I could see you full view, your facial features just as true as your words. You made me want more, you made me feel like it was possible to actually get our bodies back. You made me feel like I could actually do something other than hurt and destroy,"

"After that day, I let myself get stronger, and Al and I burned our house. I wasn't going to stop working until I met you again and had even more to offer. To show you that I was worth that visit. I left a tick mark on my wrist each night so that I would never forget that I messed up. The itch and burn of old scars used to be enough. It was you then just like now," I said.

I stared at him for a moment, I wasn't sure if I had said anything right or wrong, but he smiled.

"How do you feel now? After going back and reflecting?"

"I feel…. I feel like I'm more connected to reality," I said, "If that makes any sense,"

"It does. But do you know why?"

"um.."

"There is no right or wrong answer. I am not going to judge you for anything that you say,"

"It's because I know how I felt then, and how I do now…. I also know why I wanted to be with you for so long, even if that was wrong to someone, it felt right to me," I said, a little confidence in my voice."Do you believe in what you said?" he questioned?

"Of course I do, I couldn't be any more sure. I like the colonel bastard before me because he continues to give me chance after chance to find myself again, to recreate and start over. You make me feel entirely human even with my sins, even with these metal limbs, and that's all you have ever done," I smiled. I felt a little better, closer to normal than I had felt in a long time.

All the words that had come from my mouth, they were true. There was no doubt. I could understand.

"So what is your reason for tonight Edward?"

"I'm happy to be alive at this moment because I am getting a second chance to go back and make sense of it all, to do it right. I am happy to be alive because I can start crossing out my sins," I said, leaning into him.

_As easy as it was for today, I felt as though there was something more waiting, lurking beneath the surface. It was the magma, the flow of emotions being the convection. Soon enough, these plates are going to crash and send it flying to the top of the surface. But this time, I think I am ready, and I won't screw it up. This time, it's going to end with new structures, and only subduction to remain in the past._

* * *

__Well, it's not my best, but I am dog ass tired, ( I love my weird little American sayings ^^) any who, I would just like to add that some of the parts in there are a little brief, and I apologize for that, I just didn't really have it in me emotionally to pull it all out and slap you guys in the face with it. Remember I try to make all of these chapters relate-able, not to just you guys, but myself too~ But I also apologize in advanced for making some parts drag on and on. I have been working on this chapter believe it or not, for close to 3 hours because it was about 10 when I started, and it is well after midnight now, closer to one. Well, I hope that people caught the science bit at the end with the tectonic plates and convection in the mantle~! I can't help myself, but I just like to add some science in there (more so since I just finished a long ass test on science for two days -.-") So yes, sorry, I am a hopeless cheesy nerd. Please bare with Eri-chan and her idiosyncrasies. Please review if you have the time, it makes me happy, and thank you for the 200+ hits on the story so far this month, it makes me quite happy. And the reviews are always lovely to read in the morning before classes!

Thank you, and Happy Reading Always,

~Eri-chan


	7. Chapter 7: Day Two: Paper Hearts

Well guys, I am tired, and quite drained. Emotionally, life has been hell. Quick question, do you hate it when people try and tell you how you feel? I do. Pisses me off. If it can't be found in a textbook, it apparently isn't valid. And the only way to validate that emotion is to ,"Decribe something similar," which I refuse to do. If I feel like a fargle, then I will damn well feel like a fargle~! *stomps foot*. Eri-chan's life lesson of the day, don't try to figure out the "text book" emotion, just yell, cry, or write about it. But don't say you're sad if you are ugg, and don't say you're happy if you're KYAAAAAAH~! Alright? Thank you. Now, on to chapter 7.

* * *

Chapter 7: Day 2. Paper Hearts

_Edward_'s P.O.V

_I feel as though I'm just barely scratching the surface. It is kind of like looking through glazed glass. You can see into the next room, but you aren't quite sure what's there, what it really looks like; You're not sure how it makes you feel. If I could describe my life, it would be composed of glazed widows and musty curtains that are pulled tight together, leaving a trace of dawn to be shown. _

_I want to get better, I really do, but there is something that holds me back. Some type of clawing at my ankles, begging for me to stay, to accompany it. It sucks; being alone. You find your comfort in the arms of the monster, the beast within. You understand each other so well; go through horrific changes in order to see on the same level, but in all reality, you fell from the platform in which you once stood. You've decayed. Why? To find some compassion in the world. Isn't that fucked up?_

I pull the covers tight to me. My eyes burn with tears and tiredness. I have a hard time facing the darkness around me. The eyes stare through the mist around me, their sneers evident in the twisted shades of charcoal and grey. I never enjoyed being afraid, it really wasn't my place to be any more, I had given up that right long ago as well. It's kind of funny, I gave up the rights of childhood long ago, but they find a way to etch themselves back into my mainstream. How pathetic.

I allow myself to close my eyes, ignoring the faint whispers about me, focusing on the small ring of colors behind my closed lids. Soon enough, I feel myself sink into a low layer of sleep.

_I fail to recognize the place in which I stand. All I see is darkness, so pitch black that I am unable to see my hand in front of my face. I shrug and walk forward until I see a flicker of light. Then, in an instant, the room is fully lit by blue light. _

_A transmutation?_

_That's when I hear it. _

_Screaming._

_Two young voices screaming at the top of their lungs. I can see myself in the circle, my brother beside me, slowly fading into nothing. _

_I find myself screaming now. Even though it happened almost 10 years ago, I make the same mistake. I ran towards my brother, but before I can grab his hand, he is gone. My younger self is on the floor, dragging himself to a suit of armour and transmuting the soul to it. In another flash of light, more screaming is heard. I cover my ears and wince. I knew the situation too well. I lived it every day, after every blink. I open my eyes now that the noise has stopped._

_My younger self is sprawled on the floor, blood pooling around him from the loss of his arm and leg. He is passed out, now being picked up and carried off by the caged soul that is Alphonse._

_Then I hear her voice._

"_Edward," she coos._

"_Mum?"_

"_Edward, come here sweetie," she says softly._

"_Now Ed, hun, I thought I told you to take care of Al for me and be a big boy?"_

"_I tried mum, I really did," I said sadly._

"_Then why is he the one with out the body? Why aren't you the one in that suit of armour? Ed, why did you damn your baby brother?"_

"_I don't know! I didn't have control over this. I didn't choose this! If I could change it, then I would mum, believe me," I said with tears streaming out of my eyes, "I would give everything to change it all," I cried._

"_Oh Edward, why couldn't you just let me rest? You were such a smart boy," she said sadly._

"_I'm sorry mum, I'm so sorry," I gasped, sobs squeezing out of me._

"_Now, now. Tears aren't going to help now are they? Look at me Edward, look at mom," she said._

"_I can't see you," I said._

"_But I'm every where Ed," she said._

_I felt a breeze on the back of my neck._

"_Now, look at me," she said._

_I looked around, but couldn't see anything. It was still pitch black._

"_Why wont you listen to me?" She asked._

"_I'm trying!" I yelled to her._

_Then an ugly creature appeared before me, loose strands hung off of charred decayed skin. Narrow slits filled with light where her beautiful eyes once smiled. I turned my head away._

"_Why won't you look at your mother Ed?"_

"_I'm sorry," I whispered. _

_The creature grabbed my chin and forced my face towards hers, so that we could see eye to eye. Her face formed into a nasty smile. Her teeth were gone, a dark substance that resembled sludge slid off of her body and onto the floor._

"_That's better," she said. The smell of death was one I could not describe._

"_Well, are you satisfied with your results huh? Am I the mother you were hoping to see? Was your brother's body worth this Edward? Come now, tell mom," she said, an angry twist to her words._

"_No," I said quietly._

"_Speak up!" she screeched._

"_No ma'am," I said louder._

"_That's right," she hissed. She struck me in the face and forced me to the floor._

_I cringed and rolled into a ball._

"_You sniveling little bitch, look at you. At the mercy of your own creation. Look at all the sacrifices you went through to create me, and now you wont even give me the respect I deserve? Pathetic," she spat, kicking me in the side. _

_I winced but remained where I was._

"_Get up," she said quietly. The lethal tone she held made my skin crawl._

"_Get up you bastard!" She yelled, kicking me again._

"_I'm sorry!" I yelled._

"_Sorry wont cut it now get up!"_

_I rose to my knees, and tried to get myself up, but she swept me and let me land on the floor again._

"_Faster!" She yelled again, but I didn't have the strength to move._

"_Get UP!" she roared, dropping to her knees and grabbing me by the collar._

"_You bastard! You wont listen to me, you wont respect me, you wont even look at me," she cried, slapping me from side to side with each word. Her blows stung. But her words seered._

"_Why don't you love me?" she asked, dropping me to the floor again._

"_I'm sorry," was all I could mutter. I cried freely and let her continue to abuse me, until I could no longer see clearly._

_This was my fault._

* * *

_Roy_'s P.O.V

I watched the boy nod off to sleep, and I had a smile on my face. He seemed tense, but it seemed to ease with time. I couldn't help but feel some what proud of the progress we made. It seemed too good to be true.

I had to wonder if he felt the same. If this was really helping him out as much as I thought it was.

I sat there lost in thought for a while until the slumbering blonde made a whimpering type of noise.

I rolled on to my side to see him. His expression was pained, and he murmured things in his sleep. I was curious as to what the alchemist was dreaming about, and continued to watch him.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

I was confused. What was he sorry about.

Now he winced in pain and started to cry.

"Shit," I thought.

"I'm sorry!" he yelled, shifting from side to side, tears coming faster and harder.

I began to shake him trying to wake him up.

"Hey, Ed, wake up!" I called to him.

"He put his arms on mine and tried to push them away.

"I said I was sorry, please leave me alone!" He cried, trying his best to get me off of him.

"Ed, ED WAKE UP," I yelled now, unable to shake him from the nightmare.

"It's all my fault mum, I'm sorry," he whispered, letting go and settling back into the bed.

"Ed," I called, stroking his hair.

He made no attempt to open his eyes.

"Ed can you hear me?"

No response.

I shook him lightly, trying to wake him, but nothing seemed to work.

I brushed loose strands from his forehead and felt myself pulling back from it.

"Holy hell, he's warm," I said out loud, slightly surprised by the fever.

"Oh, damn, it must be from all those friggen cuts," I sighed. I needed to clean them again. They were probably infected.

I left the bed side and went to grab the small medical basket, returning to his side and peeling off the numerous bandages that were soaked through with red.

I shook my head as they coiled to the floor.

_Why couldn't I have been there? _

I brought out the small brown bottle and began to rub down the wounds, watching them bubble.

"Ah!" He winced. I frowned.

"Sorry Edo," I whispered, trying to clean them as fast and effectively as possible.

Some began to bleed again, while others peeled. I dressed them all alike and tossed out the old products. He laid outstretched now, his face still pained. Sweat began to form on his forehead, which prompted me to find a suitable medication for him to take.

After finding some water, I put the pill in his mouth and coaxed him to swallow it, until he did.

I sighed and laid back down beside him. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. As much as I could try to do, there would always be something that I wouldn't have control of, such as his past.

I only know as much as he was willing to let me know, and at this point, I felt like I was the one still in the dark. I was hoping that he would soon open up a little more to me. It was only day two, and he had plenty of time to do so, but I didn't want to be the one who stood in the way of his recovery. In the end, I was curious if I was going to be the one to save him.

Or if I was going to be the one that stripped him of his wings.

* * *

Ugg, writer's block sucks. Well, I guess this will be a filler chapter to hold you guys over until the next chapter. I'm way too tired to pull out my normal 3,000 words, so yeah, sorry about that. Sorry for my suckishness, so yeah. I hope to update all stories within a week.

Thanks for those who have read and reviewed, and for those who have added in faves and alerts, it is very appreciated.

Please review, so I know how to please you guys, and btw, I think I might kill off a character. I have very violent plot bunnies right now. One shot to the first person who can figure it out!

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	8. Chapter 8: Day Two: Paved in Memories

Alright guys, writer's block is kind of gone, still having some issues with articulating what I see in my head, but that's alright. I will do my best to pull it off, so please bear with me once again, as I try to write out the next chapter. This will be a kind of short chapter just for you guys to see where Ed is at in his current state of mind. Also, remember, it is still day two. I hope it will be at least 1,000 words. But either way, I'll make sure to make it worth while to you guys. Promise~!

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Chapter 8: Day 2: Paved In Memories

___Edward_'s P.O.V

_It is at this time where I feel lost. I am searching for an answer, but the question is too general to understand. It's almost like trying to find the answer to something like "what are you?" As simple as the question might seem, there is an infinite number of answers. As you look for the one that is right, you lose yourself in everything again. What a recurring cycle…_

_The world that has been presented to me was filled with too much. There were too many memories for me to filter through, too many opportunities for me to reach for, and too many levels of grace to soar past. In the end, there was too much to bear, and I screwed it all up._

_I think, at this point, it is easier to except the fact that yes, something is wrong; yes, I have done wrong. But the hardest thing to come to terms with, is the fact that I can't figure this out on my own; that I am not as strong as I thought I was; that I am still in the early stages of life where I need to learn to crawl before I can walk. Yet, running has come much more easily._

_I can sit here and imagine all the things that I could have done to save us from corruption that day; that could have saved us from the path of sin that we were stuck on. The more that I think about it, the sicker that I feel. The solution was simple. I could have been the older brother that Al needed, and supported us even though we were still young. Yet, I took on the position of this "God" and tried to bring back something that was not ours. Even though I have figured all of this out in my mind, I still spend copious amounts of my time dwelling in this._

_All the what "ifs", all the "maybe's" and "I wish's," seem to surround my thoughts and swallow me whole. I have been brought down by all of this ever since that day. Slow days progressing with some emotion that I was not able to describe. They would flow freely and take on forms, colours, sounds and patterns. Depression could predominantly fill my palette on some days, while some times the main focus may have been on something as simple as happiness. What for? Hell if I know._

_What makes me rather happy is the realization that I am still able to appreciate the small things in life, such as birds flying towards the skyline, freefalling until soaring again; sunsets drowning the rest of the world in such holy colours, ones that you could never recreate no matter how hard you tried._

_Yes, there were a lot of things that brought me low in to this trench of self decay, but there were also small miracles that kept me tethered to the surface. _

_With this small smile on my face, I felt a small mask slip, but this didn't terrify me as much as it did before. I wasn't left with this emptiness and the feeling of loss. I felt as though I had been lifted; enlightened. _

_It was something that was confusing. These are the emotions in which you do not articulate. This is the time that you have to accept that not everything in life will be found neatly scrawled in a text book some where. It was crazy that the world we lived in was based so highly off of fact. I, as an alchemist, under stand the importance of science and fact. But there are things in which you are not able to label._

_The day that you want to climb the tallest mountain and scream out at the top of your lungs is not insanity. It is purely bwello. A nonsensical term that describes everything so perfectly. It was as if you cut the piece of the puzzle to fit in that whole, to fill that gap. It looks better there any way right?_

_I gave a sigh and probed a little further._

_Does it make sense to say that an emotion is right or wrong? Can you truly say, "No you are confused, you merely feel this, which is similar, but not the same?" I think not… If you have not the heart to understand, if you have not the same blood in your veins, then you will not understand the feeling at all. Therefore, there is really no room to say such things, but to only try to understand no?_

_It was bullshit. I find no other way to put it other than complete and utter bull. Shit. _

_These are the things that we are forced to except. This is what we were taught and there was no point in asking why things were the way they were. The only answer you would get would be something like, "Because that's just how it is."_

_If we cannot question our own existence; if we cannot test our own hearts; if we cannot re-write our scripts with our own words, what was the point of life? You were only given so much room to breathe, because in the end, they really want you to be just like everyone else. They say that there are things about you that are special, or different, but we all follow the same rules, and we are all forced to, at some point, except the same destiny._

_If we stray from the path of life, then we will be condemned, because then you are committing sin. _

_I was a damned child, and this, was the fact that I came to see._

_We were all the kids who wanted to cross the street without a hand to accompany us. We were all the kids who wanted to hop the fence and see if the grass was really greener on the other side._

_In all of our silly hopes, dreams, and wishes, we had lost ourselves and forgotten what "life" was all about, so when it spiraled back down on us with our reality check stamped on it, we would be forced to the line again._

_I took a step off of the ledge of traditionalism, and plunged into a pool of rhythm; a beat in which my heart could follow without strain._

_Even now I have been chased down by these demons of control, but I have managed to escape into a receding tide that is my soul. _

_It's a kind of sensation that I can no longer describe, but I am not really complaining. If you try to break everything down into the smallest of details, you will only be left to wander in the abyss where you will forever try to formulate solutions._

_That's not the life for me. It never was._

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__I am pretty sure that it is more than 1,000 words, so yay. But, I am hoping to make the timing seem more realistic because when you are in a healing process or program, there are days that seem that they will never end, and others that are gone in the blink of an eye. The first day usually ends up being the fastest, because you are so filled with anxiety and other emotions that everything moves around you faster than you can register. It is quite strange, but hopefully it gives you guys a better feel for the pace of the story from this point on. Also, sorry for not having Roy in this chapter, but I really wanted Ed to be the focus since he is obviously going through a lot in his head. Sorry for rambling, but the need to validate is one that I cannot pass up ^^

Please review if you have the chance, because it helps me to please you all.

* * *

Special thanks to:

Interficere Omnes

l4dybu61

joruni

Seeker Heart

and

rabid kuma

for supporting me thus far. I also want to thank the 6 users who have added the story to their favourites, and to thank you guys for the +1000 hits on the story. This is something I really take to heart.

* * *

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	9. Chapter 9: Pass You By

[Type text]

Well, I am starting this new chapter whilst in tech lab class, blah, so this should be quite fun. Guess who gets to go to medical school next year after working her ass off to get straight A's all year long? Me~! Be happy for Eri-chan, because I am going to enjoy this summer -.-

This will be kind of like the last chapter, except it will be the Colonel's thought progression instead. Now we get to see how both characters feel at the same point in time. So imagine that both thoughts were taking place during the same time period (of like 5-10 minutes) alright?

Any who, I will stop blabbing and get on with chapter 9.

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_Roy_'s P.O.V

Day 2: Pass You By

_If it is an infinite amount of hours that binds our soul to life, then why is it that it only takes a few seconds to take that all away?_

_One of the things I never understood while I was growing up was why it always took so long to build up to something, to this stature, yet it only took the smallest of quantities to rip it from our hands, and to let us fall from grace; leaving us there to seethe._

_The best things in life are the ones that you work hard to gain right? Then what is the point in enjoying the bitter sweet victory of an easy accomplishment? Does that mean that we do not truly deserve it? Does it mean that it values no interest? How are we to sophisticate ourselves if we cannot even answer the simple questions that govern our very being? How can we move forward if we still hide behind these glittering generalities that have been spewed from a text book for thousands of years?_

_How can we live with "because that's just the way it is?"_

_Mankind is damned from the moment they step on this Earth. They are born in sin, lost in it throughout their life, and find themselves entranced in the hope of an afterlife. What is the point of living for another breath if we are no closer to the answer of why?_

_We are knowledge thirsty, finding every and any way to not only make life as simplistic as possible, but to also to bathe it in as much light as possible; this light being the answers that dig in the corners of our minds; that whisper into our ears; that scream with disparity._

_Ignore it. That is what they say; "Don't sweat the little things" right? Well, if you can't even be sure of your own existence, how are you to ignore that. If you can ponder a topic listlessly for years, for generations, past present, future, and still not have an answer, you have wasted your time. There is no progression, there is no enlightenment; there is only a standstill. We can watch things move around us, feel the changes in our technological background, but our souls cannot press on. Our minds can only go so far. The answers that we search for are at the bottom of the Earth, farther down than we can ever reach._

_Is this what we call "hell?"_

_When we reach the darkest moments in our life, where we cry out in despair and question ourselves and our existence, is it not that during this time we are most sane?_

_We want to figure out why we are here; where we are going; how to see the light that is near. When we are mellow and carefree; when we are languid, we are not in full focus._

_We could not be further from the truth in this state._

_When we are serious, lackadaisical, deprived of this joy, we are in the blood thirsty mindset that is truth. It is what we seek._

_It is what we crave._

_If we are not able to recognize this now, then how are we ever going to be sure, to be confident in the life that we live?_

_How are we ever supposed to be truly happy?_

_I am devoid of this for the fact that I am unable to answer the questions that I seek most. Since I was 6 years old, I always wanted to know "What is the point of my life?"_

_Some said that I was a melancholy child; others thought that it was just a sad upbringing. They thought maybe I was just emotionally disturbed. I was frustrated, yes; I was quite anxious and depressed at times because I thought I was never going to figure out the true meaning of my life._

_But in my eyes, the general public was the one that was disturbed. Not me._

_I learned soon to cover this up so that I could socially interact with others and maybe find someone who needed to know why as much as I did. Little success did I have at this._

_I portrayed myself as someone who was carefree with what you may call "childish" tendencies, but I would never let myself forget my goal._

_As I made my way through life, I found myself being pulled towards the flame that made my soul feel alive. Joining the military was one of the stupidest things I could have done, especially so young, but it opened my eyes as a person._

_To sit there amongst the dead, in the ruins of the Ishbalan towns, I felt new meaning come to me._

_People kill people._

_I began to start asking myself questions again. Why is it that we need to kill others in order to gain power over them? Why do we need this power?_

_Why do the children have to die for our sins? If they are our future, then is all lost?_

_The red eyes looked at me, as I lit the town ablaze with the snap of my fingers. They longed for a reason why. Why was I killing their parents? Why was I destroying their homes? Why is everyone dying today?_

_I could only reflect the sadness, and look away as I followed orders like the dog I was. _

_They cried, they retaliated, they ran, and they died._

_It was in honor that they died, for it was on their feet; they took their last breath as a free Ishbalan. _

_But if I were to die that day, I would have died as a condemned soul of the military. Even when surrounded by flames, blood, loss, destruction, they still had more than I could ever wish for._

_I made it home, I promised myself that I would climb these ranks and change it all._

_Faithful partners passed, rain came on days that were suited best for sunsets, but life went on._

_That's when I heard of Edward Elric: The boy who had played God._

_I was sent to see that boy to give him the chance to enlist. He was told to have great alchemy talents, and I was aware of this myself. I wasn't sure what I was going to see when I walked into that building to see the 12 year old boy, but I was not prepared for what I was met with._

_Empty gold eyes were behind loose strands of blonde hair. He was staring into space; an empty shell of a man. My heart immediately went out to him. Who would want to push such a broken boy into the military? Despite what I felt, I had an obligation. I hated it._

_I talked to the young boy, finding little to no response from him as I spoke. He would nod, and say nothing. He never made direct contact, nor would he look into my own eyes. It was rather upsetting. He wasn't all there, and he seemed to have lost all of his will to live._

_I left the house hold, a feeling in my heart that he would be in the paper the next day, dead._

_Almost a year later, he was here, at Central, proving to the Fuhrer that he was as capable as any of my men._

_From that day on, he was the Fullmetal Alchemist._

_To me, he would always be Edward. _

_I was amazed at how fast he would progress, and how much he had changed since the first day I met him. I head his tale, about his brother, his mother, and his father. I couldn't help but admire him more each day for having the will to go on; for having the will to save his little brother._

_I would always have to hide my feelings about the major, for they were ones that we never to be discussed; never to be revealed to the real world because it was politically incorrect._

_7 years later, he is as strong, if not, stronger than he was before, but now there's a barrier._

_After years of failure and success, of hell and heaven, of truth and treason, it was all he could do not to give up on his journey._

_The feelings he had pent up inside were ones that I could not see; he hid them within the battered walls of his heart. He thought they would reside there for the rest of his life, but even I know that powerful emotions bubble to the surface after a while too. It's hard to hide something that conveys your life isn't it?  
_

_I soon began to realize that Edward Elric is the reason why I live._

_If not for his own perseverance, I would still be lost in my own questions. He could come in every day with something new to bring to the table, and never once did he ask for more or complain. He was a child, yes, but he grew into a true man; his every day struggle to do the right thing when no one would was one that could only be respected. His emotions were seen in his job. Throughout his countless missions, you could see the regret in his eyes, or the questions. You could see the fear or happiness. Never did he speak a word._

_I could not really argue against this, for as his Colonel, it was not my place to care. Yet desperately I wanted to. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, to show him that other people in this service had true emotions, that we weren't all mindless puppets._

_But once again, this was not politically correct._

_Bullshit._

_The boy of red and gold would carry himself with such grace, such power, that I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was so strong; mentally, physically, emotionally._

_He would have his fun, be as short tempered as he would like, but at the end of the day, he was serious about what he did. He wasn't another loser out there for the money or the fame. He was out there with one goal in mind:_

_To fix his mistakes and save his little brother._

_Each day was a tick on the clock, and as more time had passed the more determined he would be. Never giving up no matter the odds; studying for copious hours to find the smallest of leads; traveling hundreds of miles to find out just one ounce of information._

_Edward Elric is the true reason I live._

_His will to survive and thrive was one in which I could not help but envy. I had it once when I was in the war at his age, but he is in his own war isn't he?_

_The way he smells. The sweet smell of honey and caramel, it was only him. The way his perfect blonde bangs fanned over his golden eyes, the beautiful gold streaked braid that hung just at his shoulders._

_He was so perfect to me. Why couldn't he accept that himself?_

_He gave me a reason as to why I am here. _

_I am here to show him love, to show him peace, to show him life._

_Edward has always spent so much of his time giving and giving. He punished himself for his own humanities, not allowing any such imperfection in fear of failure. Poor kid never had the chance to really live._

_He dug himself a dark corner in the middle of his own thoughts, where there was a standstill in life and emotion, where he could figure everything out on his own in hopes of finally having some sort of revelation._

_Having been there myself, I know it is scary. You are surrounded by your own memories, where all you are seeing are the past mistakes that you have tried to forget. The ones you dwell on and wish for a re-do. It breaks you apart inside, because there is never a way to go back in time no matter how much you want it. _

_You begin to think about the meaning of life, how the Earth really started, why society is the way it is, how it all relates to your life at this very moment in time. Then, once at this point, you begin to wonder how it is that we can never be perfect, why we must relive the same nightmare at night when the dreams that we crave and wait for melt in reality. _

_Once you finally realize that none of it connects, you understand that it was never meant to be part of a whole; that all the pieces that life gives you goes to a completely different puzzle. If we are ever to being to understand life within itself, don't we need to know what we are working with?_

_You have to go past the reason as to why, and past all the questions that were taught to us. You need to divulge into the colors and patterns, the things we cannot describe with our words; the things that we could not touch in front of us._

_This is the true form of life. They say it is all around us, that we are life. But that's not true._

_Life, life is a shape, it is bwello, and it is something that doesn't really exist. You can label everything that you want to in life, but that doesn't make it that way. Hell, life probably only exist in our minds. Life, if anything, is just a word that we use too often to describe things that have no real relation to it._

_If I could sit here and think about this forever, I could only imagine the thoughts of the broken-winged alchemist. We are all on a similar path that binds us into what we call destiny. _

_We, as mankind, are damned as soon as we step on the Earth; born into sin._

_If I can't save myself from my own sin, at least let me save him, because everyone deserves their second chance at "life", and he hasn't even had the chance to open his eyes yet._

* * *

__This is the end of chapter 9, and I am very tired. Yes, Eri-chan is tired. I have been working on it for at least two hours, and started it a day or so ago in a different class. So that is like, 3 hours -.-

Hope it was worth the wait, because I see that I have been a little bad with the updating. SO happy because I will be graduating on the 15th this year, and on to medical school I go *weeeeeeeeeeeeeee~!*

Any ways, I need to close my mouth about my personal life, for Edward and Roy are the real focus of this story.

Let me know what you all think and I will be back with a new chapter in a few days at the very least. For all of you that live In Dorchester, if I do not post before Sunday, Happy Dot Day~!

Review if you can, for it makes me happy, more creative, and less mischievous.

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	10. Chapter 10: Reality is Overrated

nWell people, it has been a while. I have been very busy with exams and studying and blaaaaaaaaaaaah. I also conquered my fear of roller coasters and am very addicted to it. So be happy for Eri-chan. I am also finally having my moving on ceremony (graduation) on Friday, then my five day orientation (-.-) where I sleep over at a college and crap, and then go to medical school. Yay. Any ways, let me move on with the chapter and shut up. Btw, this is just a filler chapter, no more than a thousand words so that we are able to move on to day three. I think that will be my pattern. 2 full chapters for each day and then a short filler to top it off. Alright have fun readers~!

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Day 2: Reality is Overrated

_Edward_'s P.O.V

_ I sat in there in the dark corners of my mind, trying to make sense of the things around me, but finding myself too tired to do so; both mentally and physically so._

_ Something made me want to wake up, yet I was so far gone under the layers of brittle emotion that I felt unable to move under the ready to collapse weight. There was a light above my head, trying to bring me out of the realm that I created for myself, this self-induced hell, and yet I was the one holding me back._

_It was always fact that I was one to hold myself back; I could have an entire team ready to support me and give their heart and soul (hell I already do) but I would be the one to sit behind the sidelines, to separate myself from the world and say "I'm not ready for this."_

_I wasn't ready for a lot of things that I threw myself into, but in the end, it wasn't just about me anymore, I was fighting for so much more now, I hadn't the luxury to be selfish and withhold myself from opportunities any longer._

_Small steps would lead me towards victory, so my first step is to sift past this and wake up. Wasting away in my mind was pointless if I could not make further contact with the real things that were reality._

_I felt myself surfacing, making my way towards the top, and then, I was up._

I looked around me and saw no one. There was some light in the room, and it seemed as though it were closer to mid morning now.

I went to get up, but I felt a warm hand push me back down.

"Lay back down. You have a nasty fever and I would prefer that it doesn't get worse," came Roy's voice from beside me.

I looked to him, his eyes red and weary. He must of skipped out on sleep to take care of me, the damn fool.

"You don't have to torture yourself for me you know. We can't both be scrawling out our inner emotions just to please one another in a way that seems not only useless, but heart breaking as well," I said, the guilt clawing at me.

"I don't do these things for my own gain, I do them because I care about you, and that's all that really matters to me," he answered.

"I care a lot for you as well Roy, and to see you put yourself through this and put all this strain on your heart because of me makes me feel… like a parasite." I closed my eyes for a moment.

"I don't want you to feel as though I don't appreciate it, because that is not the case, I just don't want you to suffer. We are only human. There are no real heroes in society. There is no one on this planet who does not feel pain in one way or another. I cannot expect you to be okay after all of the toxins I release from myself. In the end, what I mean is, if you find that you need to stop, to sleep for a while, to go for a walk, don't let me stop you from doing that, don't let me stop you from doing anything Roy," I finished, opening my eyes again and looking towards him.

He smiled.

"Ed, I enjoy spending every minute of my time with you. Honestly, I would rather be the one who is there when you need to empty those toxins, and I would rather be the one to talk to you even if it is just to discuss the different flavours of cheesecake Ed. You haven't held me back from doing a thing, you've only drawn me closer to you if anything. You are the most wonderful thing in my life, despite what you may think or believe, and I never want to break away from that. You haven't been a parasite to me at all, just the silver lining that hangs above in the most glorious of situations."

He was still smiling like an idiot, and I couldn't help but smile too.

"You're a fool, Roy, but I can live with that," I poked at him, laughing a little.

"If that is what pleases you then so be it," he laughed, sitting down beside me.

"Bastard," I said under my breath.

"Shrimp," he whispered loudly.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT YOU HAVE TO PICK ME UP JUST TO SAY HELLO?"

"I didn't say any of that," he said between spurts of laughter.

"But you wanted to," I pouted, crossing my arms over my chest.

That's when it came to me. Even in the depths of our own despair, we find the time, the reason, to laugh and to simply enjoy each other's company. We can forget all the matters of the world just for a few moments in time, and focus our attention on the beauty of emotion that is bottled up inside of us all. In our darkest days, we still have this underlying emotion that we love to ignore.

"Roy, I have my reason," I piped up.

He nodded.

"Well, my reason for today is because even though there is a lot of chaos around me, and within the inner most parts of my soul, I can still laugh and find joy within myself. For this, I am happy because I feel human."

* * *

Yup, short sweet, and to the point. Next will be day 3, which I want to get up by tomorrow but I have a lot to do so we will see how that works out. I promise there will be one before the end of the week. PROMISE~!

Thanks and please review if you can because I do need to know how this is going for you guys.

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	11. Chapter 11: Among the Ruins

Okay, Eri-chan is now coming off as lazy I suppose, so I will give you guys a great chapter now hm? Practicing graduation stuff for a couple days so I need the release (kyah~!) so here we go with this chapter. Day 3!

* * *

Day 3: Days Among the Ruins

_Edward_'s P.O.V

_It was a weird day for the rest of yesterday, or what we had made of it at the very least. The mood hung high in the joy of simple company; light laughter at the most general of words, the ones that come and go in conversation daily. It was nice. _

_I sat in the room while the sun sank from its high position in the sky and slowly made its way past the horizon in which I had once looked to before, in hopes of some type of answer that would quench the thirst that boiled under my skin. I never got it, so the turns to sleep were always ones that reflected great disappointment and yet, it reflected the expectedness of such an event. For the light of day, the last peak of hope was merely a delusion for me._

_The night came to endless hours of staring up above me and watching shadows cascade across the ceiling, imagining the grayish fantasies that they could create. It was silly, but I wasn't going to waste any ones time pestering them while I could not sleep. It wasn't my place to do so._

_Old memories spilled on to the gray canvas, I could see the metallic red so clearly that it aroused my nostrils to the familiar smell that would come from such sinful pleasure. The demonic cravings in which I would seek were all too powerful for me to control with my less than human stature, but this time I owed it to more than one person, more than the monster sitting inside me, I owed it to the people who gave their all for me, and this time for Roy._

_The intense burning of old scars and new alike was enough to drive me completely mad. My fingers twitched by my side and I could feel my skin twitch as well, as if something underneath of it was literally crawling about, scratching at the surface and waiting to be released from the biological constraints. I left my weapon of choice far behind me, but my hands scratched, picking, trying to get to the little creatures that lived inside of the infectious blood that I carried through my veins. _

_I took deep breaths, trying to steady myself, but slight tremors turned into full shaking, and the withdraw from my system was literally killing me. I didn't want Roy to notice, because his time to worry was long passed expired for the night. I tried to think of other things, other events, but my body craved the punishment that I would once so willingly endure for it. _

_The withdraw was never really so bad before because I had never gone so far. It was as if I had crossed some sacred line in which I could never return from, thrusting me further into the depths of my own sin. This is a problem that I find myself having to live with every moment of my life now. The first day I decided to step into that blue light, I made a plight to be forever intertwined with hell itself._

_Some things we are given the choice to stray from in life, and yet, even when I had this chance, I took the wrong path, and took too many people down with me._

_It's hard to forget about all the lives I've ruined, even when they tell me that they don't mind, that it's not my fault, that I'm making it better, it still doesn't change the fact that they shouldn't have had to have dealt with it in the first place._

_My own ignorance is enough to fuel the destruction of anything around me, enough to make tomorrow's daylight hide behind the clouds in hope of salvation. I have made it so that I am no longer justified as human, but more so as a structure; Nothing to go inside of it anymore, just there for people to see and recognize._

_Every day when I look in the mirror, I don't see Edward, I see guilt. I see hate. I see pity. I am just emotion in a floating pocket of flesh, and nothing more. If I were truly human, then I would not be trying to save myself and the people I love from my own hell that I created through blasphemy. Religion is something I never believed in, yet I took it by the reigns and tried to lead it for the day._

_I snap from the thought trail and feel rawness at my arms. White bandages are on the floor, and I am faced with bleeding arms, from the scratching, and from the picking of old scars._

_I go to pick up the scraps silently, and try to be quiet as to not wake Roy._

_I wander to the bathroom and try to redress them, being careful so that the blood soaks only through the first layer. I try my best, but they bleed through each layer. I keep wrapping until I have no material and yet they are still bleeding._

_I want to call for Roy, but something tells me not to._

_Voices inside my head grow louder, telling me to finish the job, to just take a shard of glass and do what is right, what I need._

_I pick up a shard of glass behind the mirror, and put it towards my face. I look in the mirror, and the eyes that were once golden brown are now dark red, like the color of blood._

_I start cutting, all over my face, my shoulders, my chest, my legs, all skin that is left open into the air. I scream, I let my raw emotion fade into the sound of ripping flesh. I have tears that seem to be composed as blood as well. Everything stings, and I am unable to control myself. The wild beast inside of my system roars, and with one last motion, I put the glass to my throat and yank it across._

_I look into the mirror, seeing my true self. The red blood eyes look across the canvas I have painted now for myself, it's not just a grayish fantasy, it's a realistic hell in which I am now damned to fade from, as I sputter blood and fall backwards into endless oblivion._

_I can't explain to myself the things in which I do, and I can't expect myself to explain it to others either. If I am unable to see this for myself when I am strewn into the darkness living in a conjure of fear, then I see no way that I will be able to articulate such things that are unknown._

_So why ask the question?_

_If anything they say it's because they want to help, but the frustration of not knowing the things that happen within my own mind are frustrating enough without having to put them into some form that makes them make sense to someone who is nonexistent in the same form in which these feelings converse with themselves._

_As I fall back deeper, I see the reflections of myself get brighter until the darkness is caught between the brink of blinding light of what I have become, and the shadowy disarray of what is fighting inside of me to resurface somewhere deep in my heart. _

_I am unsure what level of consciousness I still maintain, but I am sure that it is one that is hard to come back from. In a way, this is the first time that I felt as though I were really going to die._

_I have unraveled myself from deep inside my own core just because of my own insecurities, the same damn pity that made me go mad from the point that the sorrow became too much for me to understand myself._

_Maybe that doesn't make sense to other people, but in some sick twisted way, it makes enough sense for me to not only understand it, but to live it as my reality._

_I feel now, the weight that I had once carried not lift, but compress me. It forces me deeper down instead of trying to enlighten me. I am drowning in my own blood that is spilling out of my heart and the burden of truth is pulling me down to the bottom, leaving me there to die._

_But this time, I want to fight._

_I try to get myself back to the surface, to at least say good bye for now before I do depart to finish my pact._

_I finally detach myself from this burden, if only for a moment, and open my eyes._

I am unsure of what time I had fallen asleep, but I see a dark room around me, my arms burn, but they are still intact. I feel my face as well, and it feels smooth.

These nightmares are getting harder to differentiate between now, and this is something that scares me.

I go towards the bathroom, and place one hand on the mirror.

Though my eyes still remain the same colour, I still feel as though I am a monster.

And only monsters are left to rot among the ruins.

* * *

Well, that is it this time. I kind of wanted to put in some kind of small twist to keep you all a little interested at the very least. I try not to make the ideas sound repetitive, so I have to sift through my literature memory bank and find new connections in which I haven't either tried, explained, or talked about enough. Some of the theories may seem wonky, but do bare with me. (And no, I do not make up words in the chapters, trust me, I look up the words that don't sound right) but yeah, so let me wrap this bit up here.

Please review if you can, you know the drill. But for newbies, I do like to know how I am doing and how to please you more as a reader. I also need to make sure that the manner in which this story progresses is appropriate to you all as well. If not, do let me know and i can either speed it up or slow it down.

Thanks for those who have r&r'ed, and have added to story subs and all that good stuff.

Off to hang clothes, and shower~!

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	12. We Are All Who We Choose To Be

_**we are all who we choose to be, its just 100% of the time i choose to be me!**_

_**stop. take a second, READ.**_

Greetings to the fine folk that moderate our site.

Myself, along with many, have been writing and posting on your fine site for years now, some of the better examples of up and coming writers out there are now suddenly finding some of the stories we've come to love at risk of being removed without the chance to even rectify our errors.

For some, that means the permanent loss of a story. While I don't have anything that I believe violates your terms of use, there are those out there that are never able to recover a story in its original form, this is something I find to be almost worthy of a legal action, as while we cannot claim ownership of a character, the stories are OURS and simply destroying them is something that is inexcusable.

It's quite easy to simply add an MA rating, additional filters or even a simple requirement for a free membership to read the stories presented here, and would cut down on hateful anonymous reviews and posts at the same time, so I have to question as to why such a thing, in all this time, simply wasn't added.

If you're worried about falsification of a registration then have an appropriate disclaimer and then there can be no dispute, you took your steps and the PARENTS didn't monitor their children, if that is even your concern. If it is more of a personal view or desire then please at least let people know and give them a chance to remove a story that you and yours find offensive, most people on the site are actually rather cordial when it comes to such requests.

While I cannot say for sure if this letter will even reach those that may be willing to listen, of if it's more akin to a wide spectrum purge in preparation for something bigger, please understand that you are going to be looseing a LARGE number of your writers, and thus your income from a lack of readers if there is not some level of action taken to help with this situation.

For those that may agree with this, please feel free to sign on and send this to the support server, maybe we can get some movement on this.

Psudocode_Samurai

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The Dark Graven

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.Nightmares

If you could do what some other authors have done and post this petition as a temporary new chapter on some of your stories to help spread the word? It would help a lot it's how I found out about this.

if you see this and understand, PLEASE join the fight to save the HARD WORK that


	13. Chapter 13: Never Close Our Eyes

Well guys, I've been away at a college program for about a week, and I could not bring a laptop T.T thank God I didn't though, because a silly hairclip of mine got stolen. A hairclip. If I brought my laptop, I would never see my files again ='( I wish people were more concerned with their morals as opposed to things that they didn't have. I mean, the clips were bought at the dollar store~ But the trust, that can never be bought hm? Any ways, since I have been back (for a few days) a lot of things have come up, and corrupted my flow of thoughts, but then again, they gave me some emotional fuel as well. SO, thank Adam Lambert for his motivational songs ;) and let's get on with this. (Chapter dedicated to one of his songs)

* * *

Day 3: Never Close Our Eyes

_Roy_'s P.O.V

_If you stand in place for your entire life, how can you say that you've had experiences? If you have accomplished nothing more than things that have been set just outside the borders in which you trust yourself, your heart with, how are you to say that you've done things with your life, that you have achieved? I've seen many things in my life, some in which I wish I hadn't seen, and some that I have thanked God just to have had the luxury of a glance. We take things for granted in life, and this is what brings us not closer to each other, but closer to our own downfall as a society. _

_In all reality, we have things that we can share with each other that could bring peace to some, influence to others, and practice to the rest. We can all benefit from our differences, to grow and adapt, to propel and advance. So why do we damn others who are different from us before they can say a word?_

_I have seen the hate that we carry for those who do not speak our language, for those we do not recognize as our own phenomenology. I have carried this hate myself, this corruption, because that was all that I knew. It is all that we know. To group, categorize, name. To give everything in our life a label so that we may identify that "thing", and so that we may see it written somewhere so that others may "identify" themselves with that "thing."_

_Why is it that we blame the acts of so few on the rest? The peace and love that we have the potential to share is spoiled by the acts of others. We take the sin that dangles from the tree, the temptation to end all problems by cutting from the route. But what about the beautiful flowers that have just bloomed under the sun's new rays? Why must they wither and die because of a mere parasite that could have been picked and cast aside, somewhere to rot alone? Why must the bees suffer and lose their source of pollen because of one parasite? Why do the birds risk loss of food themselves because of this one parasite._

_This parasite has won and conquered, destroying the ecosystem with its own occurance. This is what we have done to our society. We have been conquered by lone parasites in hopes of destroying the problem at the route, leaving nothing else to thrive because of it. We are lazy, inconsiderate of others who are of no benfit to us. _

_Why?_

_They say that some get better, faster, stronger, while others just get old. How is this a correct statement? How can you say that the man who sat watching and observing his life just got old? Did he not see the same changes we had, maybe with more detail and precision than our own busy eyes? Did he not note and analyze all of the same occurrences that we had maybe with more thought, and more interest than our own cluttered minds? Though he may not have grown too terribly strong, nor fast, maybe not even better at some things, he has become stronger at mind, faster with wit, and better with time. This is true for some, but not for all. _

_Why?_

_We, as a human race, are not a theory. This is fact. We cannot be fact in the way that you may think we are. We are human beings, this is fact. But I am Roy Mustang, and this is fact. You are not Roy Mustang, even if we were to share the same name, same date of birth, same colour of eyes and hair, you will never be me. You will never share the same blood in my veins, even if it were identified in a textbook, it would never be mine. Mine surges with rage, love, passion, underneath layers of sadness, emotion, hidden truth. My heart will only be my own. Your heart will only beat your name, your legacy. Not mine, not any one else's. _

_We cannot fit one single mold, for we are many pieces to not one puzzle, but to millions of puzzles. We are not a collective group unless we are united. This, we have yet to accomplish. We should not have thousands of countries, but only one. Maybe not on the same continent, but on the same level of awareness. We should be united across the world, inteNATIONally. With all hearts beating to love, passion, peace, we could be so much more. We could be one breathe of thousands, and all will sound in unison, while we still accomplish the goal of being diverse. Our world would be beautiful if we could even master such a thing, but there is not enough faith to do so, nor is there enough patience. Not yet._

_I can remember sitting out in the rain, letting it fan out over me, while I had my eyes frozen on one spot. The rain's path cut through a small pool of blood. None of which was my own, but the sin could spell my name in one stroke. A small child laid vertical to this pool, her eyes open, but dead. The red eyes that we had learned to hate, only portrayed sadness before they faded to maroon. This child wished for no pain, no suffering. She had no dreams of guns, scars, ammunition. She only wished to see the stars, to hear her mother sing to her again. I promised her I would protect her, but that never happened. Nothing ever happens the way it's supposed to._

_I remember my knees buckling, and I fell downward so that I could be on her level. I lifted my hand slowly, and placed it over her eyes, closing them before withdrawing them._

_With the small spade that I carried, I sat there a dug. From the darkest depths of the night until the early rays of dawn. I looked up and hoped that this would be sufficient for the young soul. _

_I slowly lifted the girl onto a small fabric mat that had been beside her home, and folded it over her. Then, carefully, I lowered her into the ditch and placed her down. Even with the rain having stopped, I could feel the it dance on my skin again, making small paths and narrow walkways for its self. _

_Few words came from my mouth, but an eternity of regret and sorrow had been casted into my soul, and this burden would be mine to carry for as long as I would live. The dirt fell softly on the gentle soul, and it was all that I could ask for of the Earth now. For it and God to welcome her in Their arms and give her a place for her to rest, where she may always see the sun, where she may always feel at home, and where she will never have to run another day in her life._

_With the deed done, I sat beside the small grave, carving out her name onto a small piece of scrap wood._

_**Alexandria**_

_I bowed my head stuck it into the grave as a stake. She was too young to die, and to die alone at that._

_She was too young to understand the changes and chaos that were going on around her. The world that she grew up in is one I would give anything to experience yet again. With all the self destruction, the loathing, the curses that we speak to each other; with all small gestures that have come to make us smile and even feel excepted for who we are, we still choose this path of angst and evil, but we still have time to question why. Even I felt as though I could not understand it, but pride and ignorance are enough alone to carry you on broken winds sufficiently for many, many years. Even for as long as you live. But if that is the path in which you choose to lead for yourself, you might as well die the day you take flight._

_I have grown little tolerance for such things, making sure to do away with my own tendencies, but there are too many people with their eyes closed to see anything that is going on around them, to even care. There are so many people that sit alone at night waiting for death to comfort them, or for that last step to show them that this is what they were meant to do all their life before they escape into the fantasy that ends with broken hearts and nightmares. To them, life seems all but lost because no one was ever there to show them that it could be anything more. They were stuck in their mistakes and tragedies; instead of having someone to tell them that it was okay to move on, they thought that they were better off gone. Just like someone who I've known to love more than the soft winds that whisper his name._

_It saddens me, makes me sick, but this is the world in which we live, in which we thrive, in which we commit too, and it's the only world I can trust._

_The saddest question I have come to know in life is, "How can you trust in something you don't believe?"_

_The scariest answer I have come to know in life is, "Because the trust that we value can only go as far as the deception that is our faith."_

_I have had many chances in life to see the contrast of wrong and right, but somehow my attention is averted to the things that I want to help and fix, to make better. Instead of listening to the secrets of the world, I try to fix it. I walk along the edge of rooftops, thinking about taking one step to the right, seeing if it would suit my fancy. But something tells me that I was meant to do more in life, so I wait. But I yell out to the world of deaf ears that I'm so tired. Tired of life? Tired of something for damn sure._

_I look out to the lights that glow dimly on the streets, close my eyes and fall backwards. Feeling relief; letting the cool air blanket me until I can't see anything but the story of my life. The tears fall in the opposite direction, as if it is a sign that says that I am going towards better days. But I always wake up with the same pain in my heart, the same tears in my eyes, and the same regrets that reside somewhere deep within me. _

_No one wants to listen to the hopes and dreams of others. No one wants to hear the sad tales that come from one's heart. The only thing in which they wish to hear is the fact that they know what they are going through; that they are not a freak, that there is someone out there that understands._

_I have craved that kiss of death, I have wanted more than anything for it to bring me backwards into nothingness, because anything it has to offer has to be a hell of a lot better than what ever may exist here._

_I have felt the hate and rage in my veins for the sins and crimes I have committed against others; against myself. I have felt the doubt of the fact that I may be loved by someone out there._

_I have wanted to feel the punishment and justice that should be served for serving misery to others. _

_I wanted to Die in the flames that have welcomed me before so willingly. _

_I wanted to Die._

_But even as the clouds cloak the dawn, I sit there, prepared to see rays of hope and sunlight. _

_After years of waiting, I can finally see the light with my heart, my mind, and my eyes wide open._

_But this time, I have someone to witness it with._

* * *

__Hope this didn't drag on for you guys. I sat here and reread it and found myself yawning (hopefully because it is 4:26 in the morning and I haven't slept all day)... But any who, sorry for the long wait, it's summer now, so it should not be as bad. Lot's of love to you guys for sticking it out with the story and I hope to hear some feed back, I'm getting awfully discouraged now.. ^^;

Read and review because it makes me happy.

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan


	14. Chapter 14: Standing Alone In Free Fall

Hey guys, it's been way too long since I have updated but I have been a vicitim of summer assignments and every day crazieness that has consumed my life…

Any ways, I have some inspiration from the current turn of events in my life, and it's kind of one of those things so I'm hoping to pull a lot from it. Hope this turns out to be a good chapter.

* * *

Day 3: Standing Alone In Free Fall

_Edward_'_s _ P.O.V

_Walking that's all there is, walking in an endless oblivion that is my life's path. _

_Twisting, turning, throwing me for a loop, connecting me with all the doubts and fears that I thought I had put away so long ago._

_Screaming, yelling, torture for my soul that has been breaking since the day I had awakened from the darkness._

_His smiles, laughter, hollow, metallic; cased within a metal shell that is all linked to an ego that could never pay retribution for my sin._

_Pacts written, broken, debts collect on hearts and shells that had shattered long before its time._

_Broken, alone, laying in darkness, trying to slip out of sight but the path being lit again by a daze of stars that chase my shadows._

_I lay here, for all to see, a man—no, a monster… Perhaps I am sin. I cannot reach this stature that I had once seen in a dream, blanketed, protected, the wasted days of my youth where being so naïve and carefree had cost me the lives that were not mine to give._

_I can lay this hand over my heart, but no beat will be heard. Whimpers and tears emitting like a child left alone to suffer in a wasteland of broken dreams._

_I am but a child. I was never a man, I had grown before my time had come but the child still lives on, unready to progress in life. God had damned this heart, and with myself on the ledge of faith and tragedy, I have but no choice to carry it with me for all that remains of my eternity._

_My burden, my legacy, it remains dust that spirals in the whispers of truth that fall deaf to my ears. I refuse to believe that there is hope for me after all this time. There could never be hope for me in an abyss of tears and sorrow.. I deserve no light to my darkened soul._

_I lay there in the midst of a dream, my saviour has a dim glow to him. He has an arm outstretched, a hand open to except my own. I cower in place, unable to reach out to him. He stares at me with a blank expression, gesturing his hand once more. I can only let a low whine come from my throat before it swells so that it makes it difficult to breathe the air that is already so thin. He furrows his brows, and looks towards me. He walks a step forward, and I take one back. I trace his steps with my heart, finding blood behind each print._

"_I love you," he whispers low and cool, the voice now void of the warmth and comfort I once looked towards._

_I shake my head. "You need to let me go," I say, quiet, barely above a whisper._

"_But this can't be. I gave my heart to save you Edward. It's here, beating, can't you hear it?"_

_I listen, a hollow beat in a deathly silent room. It seems too strange, all wrong. It does not beat for love._

"_Edward, why are you leaving me here? Why won't you let me save you?"_

"_Because I can't be saved," I said, tears rolling down thick and ugly._

_Thick red blotches form around his eyes, and a stream of blood comes from each duct that had once sprung forth the purest of emotions, now replaced with the toxicity that I have placed within him. My soul was breaking him apart, killing him slowly._

"_Roy, you have to stay away from me, you have to go!"_

"_But I bleed for you, I care for you, I live and breathe for you. Why is this not enough, why does my heart feel swollen, like it's fading,"_

"_Roy, you have to let me go, now! I'm killing you. I love you, I can't watch anyone else die at my hands, please if you love me, let me go please ROY!" I yell to him, tears flooding my vision._

_He drops to one knee._

"_Edward, what's happening? I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my heart, I only feel pain.. it's growing Edward… I don't know what to do…" He says, feeling where his heart is. He continues to rub the area, pulling back a hand to reveal that there is a large gaping hole, blood pouring out onto his hand, the colour and glow that once surrounding him replaced with pale colours and a cloak of black._

_He was dying._

"_ROY PLEASE NO!" I cried, finding it impossible to move. I wanted to get away from him, hoping if I moved, he would start to get better, but he started to drag himself towards me._

"_Please Roy no, you have to go, I'm killing you! You can't save me why can't you let me go?"_

"_I promised to be with you forever Edward.. I love you, that's how it goes. Till' death does us part no?"_

"_You never made that vow Roy, WE never made that vow, you know that," I said, the tears taking my vision._

"_But it didn't have to be said, we were meant to be together forever, and no one can stop that.. Not even you," he says with a sigh. He struggles to find breath, still using the last of his strength to lay beside me. He laid a hand on my cheek. He felt so cold._

"_Roy… Roy no please… This is all my fault no Roy…" I sob quietly, feeling the very life I loved so much drain from his body._

"_I will never let you go Edward… I promised to save you didn't I? So maybe if I leave my soul here with you, I can still help you," He takes my hand and places it where his heart once was. I could still feel a beat._

"_Even when I die Edward, my heart will always beat for you, it's done that since the first day I saw you…" he says with a weak smile._

"_Roy.." I say._

"_I love you," he whispers. The long eyelashes flutter over the onyx eyes that I loved. His hand falling from mine._

"_Roy?" I stroke his face._

"_Roy, you weren't supposed to die for me you stupid bastard! ROY!" I scream, pounding my first beside me._

_I go to feel where his heart was again. There it was, a slow paced beat._

"_NO!" I cry, laying my head on the bloodied body._

_I find myself lying on a floor, nothing can be heard but the beat of a heart. His heart. I look around me and find nothing. Nothing at all._

_Budump. Budump. Budump._

_I lift my hand to my face to see traces of blood soaked through the thin fabric. I could smell him on them, it had to of been his. I slip off each glove and clap my hands together, letting blue surround them until they are buried into flames. _

_The flames dance around me, leaving me in an empty circle. I look out to see shadowy figures._

_Al._

_My mother._

_Roy…_

_He now joins the circle of lives I have taken… Countless others remain as faceless figures, but the burden is all the same. I sit in this ring of fire, deeming it as my own private hell. I've been here many times before, watching the flames increase with each toll. The eyes of the monster I have become growing larger and brighter with each damned soul to fill it. _

I snap awake and look around me, panting heavily, sweat tracing the lines in my face. I look to the side to see Roy beside me on the couch, his head balanced in his palm as he snores softly. I shake my head, feeling my heart, its fast pace evident under my hand.

I put one hand to Roy's cheek, letting it slide down his soft skin. He smiles, moving closer to it. I flinch and draw it back, the dream in which I had come from still on my skin like dried blood.

I get up quietly from the couch, and walk towards the door. I look back at him.

"I love you," I whisper softly. Without looking back, I close the door and start moving forward. It's storming hard, the darkness around me in puffs of gray and black, a bland contrast to match my mood.

I walk. I let my feet guide me, going at which ever pace it so desperately desires. I am looking nowhere, seeing nothing but the blur of my boots as rain pours on to them while in motion. My hands swinging at my sides, my mind offline, all connections broken.

I am in empty space, running, no emotion, no boundaries, nothing to keep me in place. I put faith in my feet as they come to a slow. This running has brought me back.

Back here.

The small gathering of darkness and trees where no light can be found.

The mirror of my soul.

I gaze around, hearing nothing but the soft pitter patter of rain and my own shallow breath. I outstretch my hand, but cannot see it. The darkness captivating what was left of my glazed sight.

I walk forward until I feel something hard, and realize it is a tree. I turn my back to it, and slide down to it. Further and further until I am put on the same level with the muddy scum that had once been so solid and pure.

I put my hands up to my head, and heave a heavy sob. I let no tears come yet, but feel a huge constricting feeling in my chest. My eyes are wide open, looking towards the darkness, hoping to make something out, but see nothing.

Nothing.

I sob again, a childish sob, quick like your breathe hitching when met with shock.

_Everything I knew is crashing around me, I want to be saved, but I'm afraid. I don't want to hurt any one any more, ever again. If I keep Roy with me, I can only make things worse for him; for us._

_I want to be happy, I want to be different, I want to change these tendencies that make me so toxic, so sinful. I want to change every damn idiosyncratic thing about myself._ _I want to be someone that wont bring down the only thing that was worth living for in my life._

_But his soul… So pure… His heart… It's so true. It beats for pure reasons, causes no discontent. Everything I touch seems to be warped into some sick dream… Where they want to get out and make everything okay but it can't happen. Why…? Why can't anything I think of make sense…_

_I'm falling through the cracks in my composure, watching my mask slip and fall, the shields and chains once around my heart have eroded and become weak._

I break from my thoughts, my breathing becoming faster, heavier, I was having a hard time grasping breathe, not able to fill my lungs. I was freaking out, I was making myself crazy..

I grabbed my head with my hands, feeling the pressure build around my skull.

I was losing control. Everything I had come to know was working into a downward spiral, everything becoming too much to bare.

I feel myself fade into my dark surroundings, and yet again this time I'm standing alone in my own free fall.

_Roy_'_s _P.O.V

I woke up to a clap of thunder loud and powerful, a streak of bright white lightning lights up the room. I let my eyes adjust to the lack of light, and with another crack of thunder the truth is revealed.

Ed is gone.

I jump from my spot and look around the room, not seeing him. I run up the stairs and check the bathroom and bedroom but to my dismay he is not in either room. I am alone in this house. I call for him, trying to make sure that I didn't miss him.

"ED!" I yell, looking and listening.

"EDWARD!" I call again, but I hear no reply. The longer I waste my time here the further he gets.

I run out the door and am met with heavy down pour. I call again "EDWARD PLEASE ANSWER ME!"

I look down and see his boot prints.

_God, I never had much of a reason to believe in you, but damn it now would be a good time to show me my faith is not in vain. I promised him I __**PROMISED**__ him. I wasn't going to give up on that now._

I followed the long trail, finding that my path is familiar, past central, past the clearings. I am walking into a dark spot, where there is not chance for light to find its way. I lose Edward's foot prints in the mud that has now gathered, and I know I'm on my own.

I make my way blindly through the path, feeling the trees, searching for his scent. My heart tells me he's so close, but I can't see him. I just can't. I make my eyes focus on my surroundings but I still can't see what I need to see. I can't see him.

I walk until I stumble over something. I fall face first to the ground, now lying across whatever obstructed my path.

I groan and push myself up from the dirt, sliding my legs beside me and away from the object.

I place one hand to my head, feeling blood from banging it off of god knows what, feeling a numb sting throughout my limbs.

I place reach out in front of me, searching for what I had fallen over, finding a long figure. I slide my hands down further until I feel something that is soft, like hair.

_Oh no.. Oh God please no._

I lower my face to this softness and inhale, smelling honey and metallic. It's Edward.

I pull his face towards mine, trying to see him, trying to make out his features, but it's too dark.

I snake a hand underneath his arms and the other under his legs. I hoist him into my arms, curling him into me while placing a soft kiss on his head.

"I'm going to take you home now Edward, you'll be alright, I'll make sure that you will be," I whisper in his ear, starting my walk back from the path.

I feel walk slowly, not wanting to bang into anything, making sure to be careful as I go. I bring him as close to my body as I can, but he's so cold. I feel his heart beating against my own, so slow, so quiet. His breathing is shallow. I knew he was sick before but he's been out in the rain like this for… I don't even know how long.

I felt my eyes burn with tears, unable to shake them away. I try to stay strong, for myself, for him, and the tears glide down my face slowly, warm and fluid.

I soon see the dim light of early day. I start running; Running this time because I had a reason.

Each lightening strike provides me with more light to guide me home, the thunder roaring in my ears like faint battle cries. It was overwhelming.

I soon see the road to my home, so close, but teasing me as it stretches out before me, as if I'll never see the end of it. In the furthest point I can see my house, I reach for it with my heart, squeezing the blonde tightly into me, as if I am his shield. When he's in my arms, no one can hurt him. I won't let that happen.

I reach the door, throwing it open and not caring to close it behind me.

I lay him onto the couch and start searching frantically for clothes, for new wraps for his arm, for medications and anything else I knew that could help him.

I place one hand on my head and the other on his, feeling a harsh burn emit from his forhead. I shake my head sadly as I start to strip him of the damp clothes. My hands are working fast beneath me and I can't even register any of it in my mind. I towel him off making sure he's dry. I notice that all the fresh wounds are starting to bleed again.

I grab a roll of gauze and drench it in alcohol. I begin working furiously at the wounds, trying to clean the dirt around them and trying to stop the bleeding. I wipe at the scratches on his face as well, and the new one that is cut from his temple to the bottom of his ear. He makes small whines and shifts around uncomfortably, but he remains asleep as I work.

I grab another roll of gauze and begin to redress the wounds, starting down at the bottom of his wrist and working it up to his forearm, pleased to see that the bleeding had reduced enough that it only bled through a thin layer.

I prop him up to dress him properly in an old t-shirt of mine and a pair of sweat pants hidden in one of the drawers. I presume it was mine from my teen years. Even so, they seem to be a bit baggy on him.

I take the time to run a comb through his hair and put it up into a braid like he prefers, hoping to make him as comfortable as possible.

I realize that as much as I can try to help him, as much as I can try to make him better, there are things that are just out of my control. I can't control his pain, his fears, his past. I can't live through what he's lived through. I shake my head sadly. Even with the war, I can only begin to imagine what hells he has really been through.

I slide down one edge of the couch and put my hand in front of my mouth. I feel tears burn at my eyes again, streaming over the hand. I know that I can save him, and I know that I have to be the one to do it, but god damn it, no matter what I do he has to live with his past forever…

No time can heal a memory. It's always a part of you, no matter what.

I shake a bit with my tears, trying to keep quiet so I don't disturb him. It's all I can do now.

I imagine myself standing there on the other side of a glazed window. I can make out his shape, I can hear him, but he can't hear me. He calls my name, he can't see a thing. He says he's falling. He keeps calling but I can't break through the glass, through the painful silence.

This time I have to watch.

I have to sit and watch as the glass turns clear and he stands alone in his own free fall, reaching out for me.

All I can do is watch.

* * *

Well that is the end of this chapter peeps. I worked on it over the past 20 hours, on and off I mean. I spend 3 hours straight on it this morning, missing sleep just so that I could produce it for you. It really took a lot out of me so I hope you guys can enjoy it ^^;

Please review, it makes me very happy (because I haven't had many )

Love you all,

Happy Reading~!

Eri-chan


	15. Chapter 15: Forget the Bleeding

**Feel free to kill your dear Eri-chan if you deem that to be exceptable. Sorry guys. I've been BEYOND busy with work for school and having started it about two days ago, it's just been crazy. It makes me feel really bad but I am PUMPED to write a new chapter since you all deserve one~! I've been getting few reviews so I'm hoping to put up a good chapter so that my old reviewers forgive me T.T Let's get this going~!**

* * *

Day 4: Forget the Bleeding

_Roy_'_s _ P.O.V

_It was silent. That's all that I could make out. The deadly silence that falls after the death bells toll. I look around to be met with a blinding white; every corner, every angle. From every perspective I am enclosed in this white that is a form of nothingness. Almost like a dimension. _

_I make no effort to move, waste no time in getting away, for I've been here before. This is the place in which you come to wander when you soul has reached desperation; when you've been drained of every emotion in such a manner that your world has no choice but to become "nothingness." _

_Though I am provoked with thoughts. _

_They claw at my mind, bouncing every which way to gain the attention that they so rightfully deserve, being so deprived half the time that I barely notice their cries. The one that roared from every inch was, "Why am I here now?" _

_To be expected, of course, it was a good question. I search my cluttered head, sifting through past events and come to a box. This box was locked away long ago. And now, it's open. It's a mental Pandora box, where my "repressed," memories lie, forgotten and rejected. I look to the bottom, peering over the edge to see memories seeping through every crack. I place a hand inside, gathering a handful of thoughts, being met with old grain film of past events that I had pushed so far back, that it seemed all to be a dream. _

_A blonde boy stood there, barely the age of 15, placing on a red cloak that he had favoured ever so much. His arm spelled hate as I could see such thin lines progressing slowly from the base of his palm to the very top of his forearm. I wanted to question, the curiosity burned, but I pushed the thought back. I heard deep sobs rattling from behind the heavy door of his dorm, words yearning for ears that seemed deaf, they called, "Oh God please help me." They wafted through the air, piercing my heart. I stood at that forsaken door for what seemed like hours, feeling the floor shift underneath of me. My breathe hitched, my heart stalled, my blood went cold. I brought my fist to the door, and listened. Listened to each soft cry, to each whimper and groan and yet, I stood there._

_I stood there._

_When blood shot eyes appeared at my own door the next day, I asked no questions, and I made no remarks. I made no effort to console, no effort to care._

_My blood turned cold._

_The memory faded fast and left the room in which I stood icy cold. I stared at my boots, watching tears fall drop by drop down onto them, reflecting the pathetic man that I was in pools and deposits. I looked up towards what was once a sky, and continued to stare. No saviour would come, no answer would be uttered, and yet I continued to stare, as though in a trance. My thoughts raced and I ignored them._

_I went back towards the box, picking up another fistful of memories, waiting for the grain to appear in front of my eyes. I looked forward to be met with those gold locks again, back to the first day that I saw him. _

_He sat there, alone, lost, barely able to function in the hell of a reality that had been created for him. His stare was blank, his eyes so dark._

_Those eyes._

_They stared at me, though they seemed to stare into space, I knew they were placed onto me. Glazed over with an emotion un-registered in his heart, forgotten none the less. He continued to stare, answering no questions speaking nothing more than a labored breathe to be followed by the stares. The gestures were deep in his eyes. They whispered the same words they had for years. The ones I had ignored._

_Save me._

_As the film disappeared once again I saw the ground meeting me fast, as I dropped to my knees with my hands over my eyes as warm tears bit at my lids. _

_Now I realize. After all these years. _

_All he's ever wanted since the first day was to be saved._

_Not by God._

_Not by fate._

_Not by Truth._

_But by me. _

_All this time that he had worked to become a state alchemist, it was to not only to be a saviour for the brother that he loved,_

_But to be saved by me._

_I teased him, I made him hate himself more than he ever had, and I was ignorant. I never looked twice in the same direction because I was scared. After the war of Ishval, after the battle of sins, after the travel to hell and back, I was still scared. Too scared to get attached. _

_I was a damn ignorant bastard and yet there he sits, behind the white light, with his hands against the wall, wishing for the same thing._

_Since the first day._

_I listened to the realization whisper throughout the corners of my mind, of my consciousness, of my being, telling it to me like a story. Like it had since the first day._

_I walk up the wall, seeing the hand pressed against it. I can hear it now; feel the vibrations against the wall. They murmur all the same._

"_Please… Save me."_

* * *

_Edward_'_s _P.O.V

_I know that I'm sleeping, pushed down and subject to the darkness of my dreams. I know I am floating here between heaven and hell in an abyss that is the world of the living. I know too much to process all at once, and yet I still make the same mistakes._

_I can hear it now, the laughing, the voices, the sneers that had always blown so coldly at my back. They pressed now, stabbing into me with realization, making me remember the same fate._

_I walk forward, if that's what you can call it since I can't even verify the surface in which I move on._

_I am back into the same scenery. Surrounded by black and captivated by silence; the same black that expresses the very hollow nature of my soul; the very silence that represents the ignorance that has pushed me into a corner._

_The silence brings me no comfort, but it still brings me no pain. It serves a lone purpose to make me remember how I got here, why it is so quiet._

_Why I'm alone._

_The black is something of my own choosing. After years of wishing to disappear from sight and existence, I managed to create an inner place of shadows where I could hide in every which way that I intended to like the weak pathetic fool that I was._

_But it was my comfort._

_There's only one other colour that proved to be of the same comfort. So soft beyond contradiction that it brought me out of the depths of inner sorrows and placed me back into a mindset that could only be remembered at a time before I took the will of God into my hands._

_That colour was onyx. _

_The beautiful onyx that could look deep within me and evoke an emotion that I had long thought was dead._

_Until the first day._

_Even though I wanted no place in the hell I created with my sinned hands, there was a colour that bounced at me, looking at me, acknowledging me. Showing me no pity in the least._

_He stood there with his onyx eyes and explained to all who thought I was damaged that I could actually mean something to the world._

_The colour onyx gave me hope to start over, to be a saviour._

_All on the first day._

_Somehow, it brought me out of a dormant state, making me believe in the silly emotion of hope that had been taken with the life of my mother. It brought me back to the main stream and pushed me, asking me to never turn back._

_Praying for me to stay._

_I walked forward again, knowing that I was going to come back to the same wall. I pressed my hands firmly against it, leaned and placed my ear upon it, listening to my shallow heart beat._

_Ever since the first day there was one wish for those onyx eyes._

_To save me._

_Every day when my eyes would close to be met with dreams and nightmares again, I would find myself walking back to this wall, my hands planted on it, whispering the same wish._

_Please save me._

_It got harder to believe, harder to hide, harder to lie to myself and become the man that needed to save my brother. I knew that I was still the same confused teen that I was when I first started this pattern._

_When I found relief in the favoured black box of sin._

_I could imagine those onyx eyes looking down upon me, shedding blood each time I reconnected with my pact, but I soon pushed the image from my mind because I knew that once the drops hit me, when I lost this battle, I would finally get my wish._

_A wish that was too selfish to fulfill. Selfish for my life, selfish for Al's life. Selfish._

_Even when I begged for more than a nip, more than a searing memory, when I wished to let the life pur out of me, there was always one emotion to pull the blade away before "the final act" could take to the stage. God how I hated it. _

_I made my way, paved my path of self destruction, and tried so hard to cover it up._

_But those onyx eyes always followed me._

_Since the first day._

_Memories flooded my tattered mind, reminding me of all the things I wanted to forget. The nights alone with my pact, the screams and cries that came from within that shattered my heart and soul. The ones that called for everything to stop. To slowly come to a slow. To finally make the damned voices stop, to make the dreams of violence and death of pure hearts be left out of the misery; every day, every step. Every cut._

_Deeper_

_And deeper_

_Until it tapped into the raw material of toxic emotions and set them free to bubble about until I had officially lost the last of my mind, the last of the intentions._

_I press my hand against the wall, letting my bangs fall to my eyes._

"Save me,"

_Because I don't know how long I have before I fade._

"Save me,"

_Because I can't keep going on like this._

"Save me,"

_I can't promise you that I'll be here for the next sun rise. _

"_**Please **_save me,"

_Because when the curtains close and the final act is left to roam the empty halls, I'll be on my way back home_

_To the path of self destruction. Slashing my spirits, burning my banners, burying my legacy. I'll forget the bleeding since it's becoming to material anyhow. _

_And this time, _

_Not even those onyx eyes_

_Can bring me back._

_Save me…_

* * *

__**Alright guys, that's it for this chapter. I've had some serious writer's block and I understand that it is quite evident in this chapter, but I had to produce something due to the fact that I feel terrible for not posting a chapter for so long. It has literally been killing me /3 You guys aren't the only ones who suffer from loss of chappies...**

**Anywho~ I only have 4 hours of free time to do homework and other fun stuff until I have to go to sleep because my schedule is now 4-4:30 because I wake up at 4, leave at 6, and come home at 4:30, which gives me until roughly 9:00, 10:00 to do everything else before I need to go to sleep. I hope I can manage a better schedule in the future because I miss fanfiction a lot.**

**Best to you all, please review because it would make me feel really happy, even if it is predominantly derogatory (at least it's feedback)**

Happy Reading,

~Eri-chan.


	16. Chapter 16: All That I Have

**Sorry guys I've been so busy it's not even funny. Feel free to kill me or do what ever you need to do in order to get out those feelings of hatred for not updating with a new chapter as quickly as I should have. So this will be chapter 16 of the story, moving into the same day, but ending it I guess. This damn note is long so I'll end it here ^-^;**

**Day 4: All That I Have**

Edward's P.O.V

It means not much to me any more to give into these feelings that roam tirelessly through my mind. Feeling lost, alone, and abandoned. The want and need to be saved by someone who has already given up their life for my own. The basis of exchange has been broken for selfish needs that have now consumed my heart and soul.

Is it wrong to want what it is that will make me happy, even though it feels as though it is at the expense of another? Should I grab the hand that is reaching out towards me? Even though I know it will only waver for so long?

The questions plague me daily, and I can no longer fulfill them with the answers that they so rightfully deserve, the answers that will soften the screams and finally let me live in the peace that I desire. The peace of my own private haven shared with the only person who really cared about me.

Yet I know that he is alone right now, feeling the same pain and regret as I do. He's the collateral damage to my destructive ways and there's no way for me to save him. I can't even save myself.

But then he smiles.

He makes me feel as though there is nothing wrong in the world as it melts behind deep onyx eyes and gentle all knowing glances in my direction. The same passion and happiness I witnessed even in his greatest moments of distress never seem to fires lighting his eternal soul never seem to fade, not with time, not with hardships, and never with the daily stresses of life.

I've been nothing more than a teenager to some, and lonely kid with a rough life to others. But to him, I've always been his equal.

My stature is shorter, my experience is less, I have very little to offer as an individual, but none of that seems to matter to him. It's not what I don't have that he seeks, but what I have always had, that he cherishes. Sometimes it makes little sense to me, but for some reason, it never seems to matter anyways, and then I smile.  
I glance over his soft expressions and feel life come back into my own soul. I feel passion grace my own features and pull me into the safe and secure arms of happiness. I let the impossible shatter reality for what seems like seconds, but that's all it takes in such a cold world. That's all it takes to feel free again against the restraints of time. Everyone is constantly seeking for something in their life, maybe to provide something of greater value or to show more self worth. I've done the same for years, and yet I've never felt more complete than I do at this moment.

Even though I'm hurting.

Even though my heart is bleeding.

Even though I know that I'm still very insecure.

There's this warmth about me, that makes me know that I don't need to search any longer. That I can finally find peace with myself and the world. I can never forgive myself for the sins that have happened in my past, but maybe I can finally move on...

Definitions in my mind seem to be blank, and I am no longer aware of whether or not the thoughts that I have are selfish or normal, but something is telling me that it's right. Feelings without negative connotations are seldom found in my relentless mind, but this time is different.

Everything is different.

Spellings, meaning, understandings, perceptions; all shifting the same tongue, as if to mark the beginning of a new language, to spell out belief and hope on small tablets to put forth into the world and say, "Come now, exception and friendship is to be shared with all." I'm probably blowing all of this easily out of proportion, but how can I know this if I've never had such a whole feeling before?

Excited again like a child, I feel myself rising out of my pit of sorrows and again to the surface where there are people like me out there. I've never seen them, nor heard their name in the wind, but I know that they're there. Years of processing have made it illogical for people not to be understanding.

Maybe this time, I can try to start again. Maybe this time I can stare down the creature that I've fed for all these years and rise above the hate and animosity that I've felt for myself. Maybe, just maybe, I can lift off the layers of dead skin and find myself again. Or, maybe, just maybe, I could be crushed under the pressure and never come back.

I'd rather die trying than die from suffering and self pity.

**HEYO**  
**So this was really short, but I had to put something out there to feed you guys because I really feel like shiet for not posting for so long. Please don't hate me?**  
**Read and review, it makes me happy.**

**Happy Reading,**  
**~Eri-chan**


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